Tiger Woods - A Textbook Case of Why Not to Text

Posted on 11 December 2009 on Texas Divorce Lawyer Ashley Russell's blog:

Recent media coverage of the Tiger Woods scandal illustrates the speed with which a text message can go from a seemingly “private” communication, for the intended recipient’s eyes only, to Wednesday’s Access Hollywood, David Letterman's Top 10 Tiger Woods Texts List on Thursday , and just about every celebrity gossip website and magazine out there. While Woods’ extramarital affairs would no doubt be at the center of a media frenzy regardless, the text messages provided by Woods’ lovers provides concrete evidence supporting what might otherwise just be speculation. With the text messages circulating the web, delving into the depths of what Woods mistakenly believed to be private communications can be as easy as typing “Tiger Woods text messages” into Google. Various verbatim exchanges between Woods and his alleged paramours are open to the public to read and analyze at their leisure. Unfortunately for Woods, text message exchanges with the subjects of his extramarital affairs are also accessible to his wife, and to the attorney she hires in the event of a divorce.

While it might not make the late night talk shows or celebrity gossip sites, texting frequently leads to big trouble for people who are not Tiger Woods. A text message with a paramour can reveal an extramarital affair to the unsuspecting spouse who accidently comes across it, or confirm the suspicions of a suspecting spouse who looks through their cheating spouse’s phone. After a divorce is filed, text messages provide powerful and often embarrassing evidence of infidelity by the cheating spouse during the marriage.

In today’s world it is easy to be seduced by the ease and immediacy of text messaging. Texting can be particularly appealing to those involved in extramarital affairs due to the illusion of privacy this method of communication offers. People text things that they may not feel comfortable saying in person or over the phone (for example, “sexting”). But they often don’t realize the extent to which text messages are accessible by people other than the intended recipient. Texting, like e-mail, credit cards, and phone bills, leaves a trail. Telephone companies keep records that can be subpoenaed and used as evidence of infidelity in a divorce proceeding. Also, there is nothing to prevent a scorned or opportunistic lover from saving the messages, sending them to the cheating spouse’s husband or wife, or in Wood’s case, leaking them to popular media outlets for publication.

For the cheating spouse, the moral of Wood’s texting indiscretions is that texting can spell big trouble for you, in your marriage and in your divorce. For the spouse who is cheated on and his or her attorney, use the cheater’s texting troubles to your advantage as great evidence for your adultery claim.

Expect the Unexpected: A Divorce Scenario for Men

Okay men, let me talk to you this time. The scenario is the same, you have fallen out-of-love over time and there may or may not be an external factor, such as a new woman in your life. You have become “The unhappily married man” that you always said you would never be.

She was the love of your life at one time, which is why you asked her to marry you and also the reason you two had a family together, but things have changed over the years including your feelings for her. Maybe you feel like she takes you for granted, that she doesn’t appreciate the great provider that you have been to the family; maybe you don’t feel like she has been supportive enough of your profession or job because she has been focusing on her own; maybe you feel rejected because she seldom wants to have sex ~ and your relationship is, well, not really much of a relationship anymore. There are many reasons why you could have fallen out of love and you just can’t live this way anymore. You need to feel needed; you are a man, and it is truly your nature to feel this way, and you can’t remember the last time that she really needed you. So, with great thought and some internal emotional struggles about your family and finances, you have decided you are going to ask her for a divorce.

At this point, you need to be fully aware that although you think you know your wife better than anyone in the world, and that you have seen the worst and the best sides of her, you may not have seen it all. Although you have witnessed her throw titanic fits and you have seen her go through emotions that you, to this very day still do not understand, and you think that you are prepared to have this “discussion” with her ~ listen carefully: NO YOU ARE NOT!

Now, let’s break this down and give it some life.

You begin by telling her that you love her, that you always have and that you always will.

Stop right there: Before you finish this sentence, maybe even before you even asked her to come and talk with you, she knew something was up ~ remember that old saying about a woman’s intuition…it is very true most of the time.

You continue to speak as she sits there nervously waiting on your next words (you need to know, that she has a good idea of what you are going to say next and her emotions are building quickly). Then you say it, “I’m not happy.” This is where your carefully thought-out plan to break the news to her ends ~ so do not be surprised…be prepared.

Here is a good scenario. Immediately, she becomes enraged and demands to know who the “other” woman is. When you tell her there is no other woman, you instantly become a lying, no-good, cheating bastard.

Men, try to remember to remain calm, as hard as that may be; she is trying to process what you have just said to her and she is searching for a reason that makes sense of it all. The best thing you can do is listen to her, let her vent, assure her there is no other woman and bite your tongue when you want to lash back out at her. This is a critical moment. It is the beginning of the end, so focus and try very hard to remain a level head in the situation. This moment will set the tone for the way the rest of the end will play out.

Her anger will eventually calm and turn into sadness and hurt, and I am sure you will see many tears fall: From here, it’s anyone’s guess what will happen next. This is where it really depends on the two people, the type of relationship that you have had, the maturity level of you both and the way that she processes confusion, hurt, anger, fear and sadness (by the way, even though this was your idea, and you might not think so right now, you too will likely experience all of this yourself). All of these emotions will be felt by her, almost simultaneously. It is truly comparable to losing someone to death and people tend to deal with it the same way initially. Think about it: the person that you love is making the choice to move on in life without you. That is a hard, hard thing to deal with.

You must be prepared and not be naïve thinking she is going to understand and this will be an easy process. Losing your life, your husband, everything you have known is terrifying and the initial shock of it all is more than anyone can process at one time. Expect to hear hurtful, ego deflating things and don’t take it to heart; put some oil on your feathers and let it roll off like water. She is hurt and you are the direct cause of her pain so naturally she is going to want to hurt you, too.

She is also going to look for reasons why you don’t love her anymore, and you may even do some soul searching yourself. Many times we don’t understand why our feelings have changed.

Understanding the emotional impact on her will help you get through this time. Think about how she is going to feel. Put yourself on the receiving end of this unexpected news: Doing this will help you to empathize with her and hopefully give you the strength you will need as you go through this process.

Divorce does not have to be the end of a relationship, it can be a transformation. Having a good family law attorney is crucial and will increase the odds of having a happy ending as opposed to a nightmare. An attorney who is trained in mediation has the tools needed to help you through the struggles you will most certainly encounter. So be judicious in your choice ~ this choice is the rest of your life.

Good Luck.

What Did You Expect, Roses? A Divorce Scenario for Women

It's been an okay marriage, but you're just not happy. You love him. He is after all the Father of your children, and has been your best friend for many years. You just don't want to be with him anymore. Why? Maybe you think you are missing out on something in the world. Maybe your life has become stagnant and you want a change, something new and exciting. It could just be that the romance is gone and you really want to feel loved again. He doesn't look at you like he once did, his kisses aren't passionate anymore, the lovemaking is dull and predictable (if it even exists at all), and the excitement you once felt when he grabbed you and held you tight is all but gone...so you decide you want a divorce.

You're sure that he will understand. After all, he must be as unhappy as you are. Day in and day out you do the same things, go through the same routine, and you both need a change. You have given this a lot of thought, and you are sure that it will be a simple, uncontested, mutual parting of the ways. And in the end you will remain great friends and be wonderful parents, probably even better than you are now, because you will both be happier. Caution: Road block ahead!

Let's look at this scenario from his point of view.

You tell him that you are unhappy (he sees fire), that you are bored (he is offended), that you miss the romance (he thinks there is another man), and that you love him but just don't want to be married to him anymore (his world has just crumbled in less than 60 seconds).

Ladies, he is not going to give you roses at this point. In fact, in the very immediate future, he is very likely to hurt you with harsh, angry words. Even if you were right in your analysis that your marriage has become nothing more than a co-habitation of convenience, the fact is that the two of you built a world together, and now it is ending. Going your separate ways means that someone is going to become a part-time parent, and have to find a new place to live ~ and he knows it is usually the man.

Be prepared. He is going to become defensive, accusing, and quick to point out every flaw and shortcoming that you have ever had, and believe me, he knows them all (men keep a mental list too; they just don't pull it out as often). Not only will he name them all, but he will magnify and intensify them. Even though it hurts, try to develop a thick skin and don't react to his anger. The most important person in his world has just rejected him. He's not going to take that in stride. Hurt feelings need time to heal.

Allow him to vent and be angry~he has that right. It is only fair, as you have just told him that he is not the person he believed himself to be all these years. In a sense, his identity has been stolen and he has to figure out why, where, when, and what to do now. Not to mention that you have just bruised his ego in a big way.

This is where a good attorney comes in. You are right; a divorce can be civilized and should be, especially when children are involved. In a case such as this, where one party just is not happy anymore, a civil parting of the ways is certainly possible and infinitely more desirable. In this situation, a good family law attorney can serve you well and respect both of your needs as one-time-lovers transitioning into divorced parents and friends. That's why our motto is, "It started with love, why not end it the same way?"

Tiger Woods - The Controversy Continues

For an interesting take on the Tiger Woods controversy, read this story: http://glennsacks.com/blog/?p=4443

What a Night!

There are many benefits to ending your marriage peacefully. One big benefit for the entire family is a productive co-parenting relationship. Another, if you happen to have been married to someone who was Berry Gordy's childhood friend, is that you get to attend cool events like the Gala for Motown's 50th Anniversary on November 21st, as Berry's guest.

Technically, I was the guest of a guest because it's my former husband, Bud, whom Berry invites. Either way, it was a lucky day for me as I got to sit and talk with luminairies who were either Motown recording artists (like Stevie Wonder) or friends and supporters (such as Judge Greg Mathis, the Reverend Jesse Jackson, and the Honorable Damon Keith).

The setting was sumptuous, of course, and filled with beautiful dresses and beautiful people at the Detroit Marriott in the RenCen. When we were escorted to the dining hall, 750 people were treated to a lovely dinner amidst the dynamic entertainment of the "new" Temptations, Aretha Franklin, Stevie Wonder, and Kid Rock. (Even the warm up band was good!) There was also a short film honoring former members of the Motown family who have recently passed away (like Levy Stubbs of the Four Tops and of course, the biggest entertainer of them all, Michael Jackson). Sinbad as Master of Cermonies was a riot.

Bud and I were accompanied by our son, Alex, and his daughter Toi. Much to Alex's consternation (he thinks mothers should be wearing a shawl and knitting) I got up and danced to the old tunes I loved and grew up to. When I hear good music, I can't sit down! No one else seemed to mind, as they were having just as much fun as I was.

The Detroit Marriott is pretty amazing. I had never been in this part of it before, and was thrilled to see old posters of all my early favorites (the Supremes, Temptations, and of course the Jackson 5) flawlessly superimposed over the elevator doors so that you are entertained with the history of Motown as you walk to the large halls. I never realized what a beautiful job had been done at the downtown Marriott, or how much Motown is a major theme. It's well worth a visit, just to see it.

Berry Gordy comes from a large and very close-knit family, and any time I am around him I can feel the magic of this web of love that surrounds him. I saw his long-time photographer, Mario, who has accompanied him throughout the years to every event I've ever attended. The Gala was handled with the superb attention to detail I've always seen at any event Berry or his family organized. Everyone was there to have a good time, and when the evening was officially ended we got up and joined Berry and his family at Seldom Blues.

This was a big deal for me, and I am so thankful to Bud, whom I will always love, for allowing me to share it. Just because a marriage ends does not mean there is a villain and a victim. Many times, as with Bud and me, people find that they are able to rediscover what it was they liked about each other in the first place. And to me, that is the kind of love that lasts.

(By the way, the photos above seemed to post in no particular order. They are, me with Stevie Wonder, my son Alex with Sinbad, me with Kid Rock, Kid Rock and Stevie Wonder, the Temptations, and me with Judge Greg Mathis.)

Time to be Tender

“Divorces don’t wreck children’s lives – people do!”
~Vicky Lansky

Do you know someone who is getting a divorce or a separation? With more than half of first marriages, 60% of second, and 90% of third marriages ending in divorce, who doesn’t? If you are one of these, there is something that is important to remember: the children. That is, we need to be mindful of how our behavior affects our children, and take care not to sacrifice their long-term wellbeing for our own short-term emotional release.

Going through a divorce is tough on the parties. But it’s even tougher on the kids. Suddenly thrown into a situation they had no hand in creating, kids find themselves in rough waters. The waves are howling; the wind blows, and they look up to see their parents--the captains of the ship—fighting at the helm! It’s very unsettling.

Parents are people, just like everyone else. But to their children, parents are like gods who shape the very structure of their world. Children learn what they live. Most of us are wise enough to see this as we try to raise our children. But in a divorce, it’s easy to forget what the children are seeing, hearing, and learning from our behavior. The fact that parents begin to live in two different homes can be seen as a tragedy – the “disintegration of the family”- or as abundance: now you have two peaceful homes instead of one conflict riven dwelling. It’s all in how we choose to paint the picture.

I am a divorce lawyer. My goal is guide my clients through the process of dissolving their marriage so as to minimize the impact on their children, and set them up for continued success as parents, during and after the divorce is finalized. Just because Mom and Dad no longer want to live together is no reason for the kids not to love them both. Helping parents see that is the most important challenge divorce lawyers face.

The parent-child relationship is different from the husband-wife relationship. Yet so often when parents split up, they bring the children into the conflict, with disastrous results. The children are encouraged to take sides, to see one parent as the “bad” parent and the other parent as the “victim.” This does not serve our children.

Unlike marriage, most divorces last forever. This can be a good thing. So often people choose to stay together “for the sake of the children,” but is it a service to our children to stay in relationships which have dissolved into rancor, screaming, or worse? We all tend to recreate as adults what we knew as home when we were kids. If our childhood home was a war zone, then we will recreate the same environment in our homes as adults. Is that what we want to wish on our kids? Of course not! That’s why parties in divorce need to make a commitment to each other to speak well of one another as much as possible. Children need to know that their parents’ breakup was not their fault; that both parents still love them and will always be there for them. The best way to establish these principles in the childrens’ minds is for them to hear it from their parents. Promising not to use the children as weapons is nothing hard. It’s just something to decide and do.

It’s easy to say, “I love you”, when the wedding bells are sounding and hopes are high. It’s hard to show love to our spouse when the marriage has failed and the pain starts getting spread around. Divorce gives us a chance to send our children a message that, even if the spousal relationship did not work out, we as parents can still respect and honor each other. This is using our parental power wisely. The alternative serves no one.

A friend of mine is going through the latter situation. Both parents are well-intentioned people, but the parents have not been careful to keep the children out of the conflict. As a result, they have been made privy to private details of the parents’ lives, and the parent-child relationship has suffered. The kids have identified with one of the parents and made the other their enemy. This is crushing to the ostracized parent, and he talks of nothing else. Although his pain is deep, his children’s pain is worse.

We need to recognize our power in helping our children adjust to a family breakup. Divorce is generally viewed as a negative event in families, and rightly so; because children who experience it are often more susceptible to developing emotional and behavioral difficulties than children who do not experience divorce. But a new study by sociologists Paul Amato of the University of Nebraska and Alan Booth of Pennsylvania State University shows that one of the worst situations for children is actually high-conflict marriages that last.

Research shows that three quarters of children and adults who go through divorce do not experience long-term emotional problems. In many instances, divorce even leads to an improved life. Simply by becoming aware of the ways divorce can impact children, parents can decrease, and even prevent, some of the negative consequences of divorce.

It has been established that educational programs can help parents communicate with their children about issues related to divorce. One such program is Parents Forever, an educational program for families in transition. This program was designed to help parents stop fighting in front of their children, to keep the children out of parent issues, to provide access to both parents, and to put the best interests of the children first. (For more information, visit www.joe.com.)

In truth, divorce can be the catalyst for an extraordinary life. That’s why the best educational programs for divorce issues emphasize the positive impact of the process in helping families turn a page. Whatever the purported grounds, the truth in divorce is that there is no villain and there is no victim. There are just two people who tried, and didn’t make it. Accepting this reality frees us to learn the lessons we need to learn and move on. If we remain stuck in the “blame game” we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes.

Children of divorce admittedly do experience trauma. Yet nearly 80 percent of these children don't suffer long-term damage. The key? If the parents recover quickly from the emotional blows of divorce and resume their roles as parents, the kids will do fine.
"Can you get up in the morning and make breakfast?” asks Robert Hughes, psychologist and professor of human development at the University of Missouri, “"Can you go to work? If you can recover quickly, get back on your feet and become parents again, the kids will be OK," Hughes says.

It’s been said that circumstances don’t make a man, they reveal him to himself. Divorce is an opportunity for us to start anew, not a call to slander our partner. Remember; the door that you close on this relationship is the same door that opens to the rest of your life. Make yours a door of love and healing, for all concerned.

Group of 50 Mental Health Experts Pushing to Add Parental Alienation to DSM

Read the story here: http://www.fathersandfamilies.org/?p=5156

Your Power Years

“The old gray mare, she ain’t what she used to be, many long years ago.” (Song from childhood)

My daughter Alexis and I have started a habit of power walking several times a week. It’s a fun way to get some great exercise. We walk and talk with gusto --at least we do until she brings up a subject on which I feel I have experience to share.

Then the lively conversation stalls, as she informs me with exasperation that she doesn’t need my opinion because she’s already looked it up on the internet! At this point I often decide not to waste my breath. But sometimes I foolishly persist, trying to help her with my unwanted advice. Of course, she is totally unappreciative of my pearls of wisdom.

Why is youth wasted on the young??

It’s all right though, because we don’t want it. People in my generation are really where the action is. Baby Boomers rock!

A New Stage of Life

Just ask Ken Dychtwald. Ken Dychtwald is a psychologist-gerontologist-yoga-practitioner turned author-speaker-consultant-demographer-futurist-entrepreneur-self-help guru, who speaks to major corporations across the country about what he calls “middlescence.” Middlescence is a whole new multi-decade stage of life, between 50 and 70, that offers rich opportunities for reinvention and exploration.

If you think he is artificially creating this stage of life, keep in mind that the term “adolescence,” a word we now take for granted, didn’t exist a century ago. People went from being a child to an adult overnight.

Unlike our counterparts in “adolescence,” however, those of us in middlescence have the benefit of experience and hard-earned wisdom. As a result, we can make better choices, and we already know what we don’t want. Not to mention that, as the Boomer generation, there are a lot more of us around than the 20 and 30-somethings. So we definitely carry weight.

At 55, Dychtwald refers to aging as a “blast” and says that the longevity revolution will have a bigger impact on people’s lives, on their family, their money, and their work than either the industrial or technological revolutions of previous centuries.

Boomers Rule

Did you know that two-thirds of all the people who have lived past 65 are alive today? Moreover, according to Dychtwald, the 50-plus generation has 70% of all the wealth, 80% of all the money in savings and loans, and invests 66% of every dollar in the equity markets. So, he asks, tongue-in-cheek, how come they’re getting all the discounts?

I love his approach of seeing Baby Boomers as a rich natural resource, and I see the trend myself in my practice. I have women clients in their 50’s and 60’s who are gorgeous. They take care of themselves; mind, body, and spirit; and it shows. (Women, by the way, will control 60% of the wealth in America by 2010.) I have men clients who are equally fit, active, and healthy, into their 50’s and beyond. We are definitely a different generation from the past, when alcohol and cigarettes were a mainstay of daily life.

When I was pregnant with my twins, some 20 years ago, I refused to accept the then-prevailing wisdom that having children caused you to “lose your figure.” I worked out throughout my pregnancy, and discovered a line of clothing (called “Woman’s Work”) that featured attractive business suits for pregnant women rather than simply the tent-like top that said “Baby in the Oven.” I wasn’t the only one who believed there was life after childbirth, and today many of my friends and clients are in great shape, despite having had children.

The Boomers are also the first to reject what Dychtwald calls a linear view of life: Get born, go to school, go to work, rest, then die. The traditional view of retirement as consisting of golf and rocking on your front porch is gone, and in fact even the average age for retirement has increased to 73 according to Fortune magazine. We are now choosing a cyclic approach to life, in which some of us return to school in midlife, try a brand new career, travel, and then repeat the process in a different field. Some of us are constantly learning and growing through seminars, workshops, and individual study. We are dynamic!

We are always at the perfect age, and it is so gratifying to see that this wisdom is being recognized by an entire generation. Even though advertising still focuses on youth, increasingly we are seeing mature models and more “real” people in ads. We have the power to change the advertising industry by making our preferences known.

Our Inner World Creates Our Outer World

I believe that my generation’s awareness of spirituality and being part of the greater whole is a big factor in our awareness of who we are, and our confidence about expressing it. I feel blessed to be a part of the Boomer generation, and excited about moving into my “power years,” as Dychtwald calls them in his book, The Power Years. The book offers advice on the many aspects of the silver years, including relationship advice based on his 22-year marriage to his wife and business partner, Maddy.

I was fascinated to learn that the pair have been married 22 times, once each year, in a different ceremony. Ranging from traditional to Buddhist to a Mayan ceremony atop the Chichén Itzá pyramid, a Hopi wedding in Sedona, Arizona, and in the nude in a Tai Chi ritual at Esalen, it’s clear that with these two the honeymoon is never over! What a refreshing and vibrant way to look at marriage.

The universal wisdom remains true: What we send out comes back, and what we believe about ourselves becomes true for us. As we Baby Boomers move into the next level of life, we have decided that we want to change the world for the better. We are determined that our lives will continue to be a rich, exciting adventure. As a group, the Boomers are loving and powerful. And whether the 20-somethings realize it or not, we rule! And so it is.

Zen and the Art of Automobile Maintenance

"The whole moon and the whole sky Are reflected in one dewdrop on the grass."

~Dogen Zenji

He seemed nice enough. Attentive, articulate, and definitely interested. Then I got into his car, and gulped. Papers everywhere. Junk in the back. And he drove it like he was on the last leg of his final journey: right into the ground, without the slightest thought of maintenance or care. Soon thereafter, it died an untimely death.

If you’re dating someone new and are trying to predict your future together, take a look at how they treat their car. You may wonder, “What does how he treats a hunk of metal have to do with how he will treat me, a human being?” A lot, actually.

T. Harv Eker, author of Secrets of the Millionaire Mind, sums it up this way: “How you do anything is how you do everything.” And thousands of years before Eker wrote his book, an even more famous Book quoted Jesus as saying, “He who is faithful in small things will be faithful in large things.”

Do you know someone who cheats on their taxes? You can bet they are cheating elsewhere, too. Do they sweep dirt under the carpet at their house? They are sweeping dirt under the carpet in their life. And if they are spic and span in their homes, then their life is clean and orderly as well.

The man whose car I described above? He seemed caring and kind enough. Yet when I looked at his past, I saw that it was strewn with the wreckage of people devastated by their contact with him. He didn’t mean them any harm. He just treated the people in his life the same way he treated his car.

This insight cuts both ways. Yes, there are people who abuse their vehicles until they literally fall apart. And then there are people who are so picky about their cars that you wonder if they aren’t perhaps a bit over the top. That’s the side I weigh in on. My car is usually polished to a fine, swirl-free radiance. The inside is immaculate, and so is the engine compartment and trunk. To say I am a nit-picker is a bit of an understatement. While this is great for my car, it also suggests that I tend to subject everything in my life to extremely high standards. “Perhaps” impossibly high.

For true happiness, I suggest looking for someone near the middle of the spectrum of automobile maintenance. You know, someone who doesn’t run the white glove test on the hood of their car before taking off. And definitely someone who doesn’t wait until the pistons lock up before getting the oil changed.

This whole subject reminds me of the first “Look Who’s Talking?” movie, starring John Travolta, Kirstie Ally, and the voice of Bruce Willis. Mikey’s single mom (Alley) is dating different men, and mentally trying them on as Mikey’s prospective father. One, an aerobics instructor, was nit-picking the silverware in the restaurant at dinner, and complaining that he saw something floating in the water. Alley visualized him as Mikey’s father, going through his sock drawer and criticizing him for not color-coding his socks.

The next candidate took her to dinner, and began berating the waitress for not attending to them promptly enough. Alley visualized him as Mikey’s father, saying “How many times did we go over and over these algorithms? What are you, an idiot??”

It’s easy to see that car care is not the only way to get a glimpse of your future with a potential mate. Yet it is a quick and easy one. You don’t even have to go on a date!

All kidding aside, in the final analysis it all boils down to love. Whether it’s learning to love ourselves enough to lighten up on ourselves, or learning to love ourselves enough to treat the people and things in our life with care, it’s all about love. We are in the energy field (which is love) at all times. It’s just that we forget. As we awaken to love and begin to realize that we are love, we begin to be truly alive. And then it is reflected in everything we do.

However, the only one we can ever change is ourselves. And that means there will be people who come into our lives that we must bless with love and release in order to be true to ourselves. We can’t change them. We can only observe how they take care of their car, and act accordingly.

So as you drive down the highway of life and you see that cute guy, take a look at his car. If it’s a mess, do yourself a favor and keep on driving!

7 Simple Tips To Save You Thousands of Dollars in Your Divorce

(Read this before going to see any lawyer.)

Let’s face it; no matter how amicable you try to be, divorce is rough. It’s a sad and uncertain time of your life when everything is turning upside down. The last thing you need are massive legal bills, and more stress.
The following tips will help you get the most effective service from your lawyer, at the lowest cost. Read these before you meet with any lawyer. I guarantee that they will save you thousands of dollars in legal fees:

1. Begin With The End In Mind: Whether you are filing for divorce yourself, or were just served with a divorce complaint, take a moment to ask yourself what is your best case scenario. What do you want from the divorce? It may be primary custody of the children. It may be that you want to stay in the marital home. It may be that you want to punish your spouse for what he did to you. Gather your thoughts, and make a list before you go to see a lawyer.

Whatever it is, make sure that you know what you want. If you don’t, you are liable to meet with some lawyer who says, “We’ll make him pay for cheating on you!” or, “We take your wife’s deposition, and every one of the girls she went out with on Fridays to find out what she did.” These kinds of ideas are built-in money makers for the lawyer, but they could be a natural disaster for you. Unless their suggestions are something that you want, don’t go for it! If you really want to punish your spouse and are willing to pay the price, go ahead. Just make sure it’s your idea, not your attorney’s.

(Tomorrow: Tip No. 2)

Study Looks at Why Abused Men Don't Leave Their Wives

...more good information from Glenn Sacks, http://www.fathersandfamilies.org/?p=3962

What's the Impact of the Recession on Dads Paying Child Support?

Read this shocking article from Fathers and Families, http://www.fathersandfamilies.org/?p=4499

Mackinac Island Memories

Eleven thousand years ago in prehistoric times, not long after the retreat of the last glacier, aboriginal natives stood on the mainland shore, looked out over the Straits between two newly formed great lakes and saw an island with unusually high bluffs. They thought it resembled a large reptile and called it mish-la-mack-in-naw or big turtle. When they explored it, they marveled at its unusual natural limestone formations and buried their dead in the Island's caves. Last weekend (September 25 and 26), I tramped up to Arch Rock on Mackinac Island at dawn with 13 other women, to watch the sun rise on the water.

Although at first I struggled to leave my warm bed, I was glad I made the trip as we stood on the lookout deck (top right in the photo) and our weekend host, Darlene Sowa, struck Tibetan sound bells together and called out to the four winds. It was a moving experience, but not the only one I was to enjoy that weekend!

Before I left for the trip, my stylist Daniel Zavala at Azenza Salon opined that Mackinac was nice to visit every 10 years or so, "But I can only eat so much fudge." I myself griped about the drive, trying to figure out an alternative to the 4 and 1/2 hour road trip. Little did I know that the drive itself would be a delight! Listening to crunchy tunes on the radio, I cruised along and marveled at the changing colors all along the tree-lined highway. It reminded me of something a friend said was his favorite pasttime--chasing leaves (i.e., following the changing fall colors as the Michigan landscape transforms before your eyes).

I haven't been to Mackinac since I was a kid, when we rented a bicycle built for two and pedaled around the island, arriving back just in time to catch the boat to the mainland. I had no idea what to expect. I signed up for Darlene's weekend adventure after seeing it promoted in the Body, Mind, Spirit Guide, but by the time it arrived, I remembered it as being a "listening workshop"!

I did do a lot of listening, but a lot of talking too as we explored the woods of Mackinac, and visited Sugar Loaf "Mountain," a relatively small but quite tall piece of limestone with nooks, crannies, and caves in it. This was an area where the local indian tribe commended the spirits of their dead, and it is a very special place.

We walked The Labyrinth at the Grand Hotel, had a pampering night with foot rubs, shoulder massages, and Reiki. And lots of laughter. Though few of us knew any of the other participants, by the end of the weekend we became fast friends with promises to stay in touch and to join together, spiritually and in person, to promote peace and well-being for our beloved Mother Earth and all of her inhabitants.

At the B & B Chateau Lorraine where we stayed, there was a piano with a plaque which proudly proclaimed it to be the one used in the movie "Somewhere in Time." Next to the plaque on top of the piano was the photograph of a gorgeous women in period dress. I thought it was the first owner of Chateau Lorraine, but in fact it was Jane Seymour! Gosh, she is beautiful.

Together the 14 of us explored the woods as well as the town. All weekend long we heard the clip-clop of horses hooves (the only transportation on the island is horse and carriage, horseback, or bicycle). Some of us were going through traumatic times, others were there just for a little R & R. Yet each one of us seemed to get just what we needed from the adventure.

For women going through divorce, I highly recommend this kind of getaway. You will return renewed, refreshed, and all the wiser from the insights you've gained on the trip, at a surprisingly affordable price.

2009 Home Buyer Credit Extension and Related Divorce Issues

Update on that new home buyer credit, set to expire on December 1, 2009. http://www.lancasterlawblog.com/2009/09/articles/real-estate/2009-home-buyer-credit-extension-and-related-divorce-issues/

More cool stuff: India vs US Economies - A visual comparison. See how we measure up. http://www.mint.com/blog/trends/india-vs-the-us-a-visual-comparison/

International Day of Peace

September 21st is the International Day of Peace. The United Nations' International Day of Peace - marked every year on September 21 - is a global holiday when individuals, communities, nations and governments highlight efforts to end conflict and promote peace. On Saturday, September 19th, I attended an event sponsored by One Peace, "Creating a World That Works for All." The keynote speaker, Dr. Sharif Abdullah, discussed his book "Creating a World that Works for All." There were videos, music, and poetry to celebrate the UN International Day of Peace. Insightful meditations created peace in our hearts and minds, and (almost) everyone wore logo-free whites to symbolize unity.

I also purchased a DVD there, titled "One," which was a movie produced by three amateurs from Michigan. Almost as a lark, the three bought a video camera, came up with a list of 20 questions, and went around the country asking both sages and ordinary citizens these questions. The answers were insightful, and thought-provoking.

From all of this, I was reminded of the fact that God is in all of us. Not only does that make ME very important; it makes YOU very important, too. So whether I agree with you or not, I must honor your essence, which is God. Seen from this viewpoint, it becomes very difficult to be uncaring about another's suffering or to dismiss them as worthless. Each one of us is a different reflection of God. Isn't that the recurring theme in this amazing world in which we live? No two snowflakes are alike, nor two blades of grass, or two flowers. There is no identical "two" of anything. What a wonderment! Each one of us is different and unique, and brings something different to share.

In seeking to create peace in the world, I think the words of Mahatma Gandhi, quoted at the beginning of "One," sum it up:

"If you cannot find God in the next person you meet, You do not need to look any further." ~Mahatma Gandhi

May peace be with you.

Wedding Bash for Brian and Kelly!

Tomorrow I'm having a barbecue in honor of my former clerk, Brian O'Flynn, and his new wife, Kelly. Brian was my "right hand man" for 6 years and the best clerk anyone could ever hope to have. Always early, never sick, he was (is) responsible, upbeat, a problem-solver, and can dance a mean Irish jig. When he left Lady4Justice to work for the government, I'll admit I cried! He is a wonderful person, and he deserves nothing but happiness and success in his life.

Luckily, he found the perfect girl. Sweet, smart, talented, and totally in love with him! Ah, if everyone was as ideally suited as these two are, we'd be out of business. Be that as it may, tomorrow some of the many people who love them both will be gathering on my deck to celebrate their recent marriage. They had their own reception, but I was out of town and couldn't attend. I decided to throw a second bash for them, so I can personally wish them the best.

Here's to you, Brian and Kelly: May your lives be blessed with every joy that Life has to offer!

One Peace - Don't You Dare Miss It!

I just came from the One Peace concert tonight at Unity Livonia Church. I didn't know any of the performers, but the program was uplifting and inspiring. As frosting on my "peace" of cake, I saw an old friend; Dr. Sharif Abdullah, author of Creating a World That Works For All and founder of the Commonway Institute. I met him at the conference for the International Alliance of Holistic Lawyers in North Carolina, three years ago. He was a fascinating speaker there, awakening in us all a desire to honor and protect our planet.

He is going to be the keynote speaker at the Saturday, Sept. 19th One Peace Event, "Creating a World that Works for All." Held at Schoolcraft College, this uplifting program also offers other presenters, as well as performers and videoclips that are sure to be fantastic. The program is one that will remain with you long after the event has ended. The program starts at 1 p.m. and lasts until 4 p.m. If you can find a way to be there, do it!

There are many reasons for us all to begin coming together to preserve our sacred home; planet Earth, and to start thinking of ourselves as citizens of a global community. Especially at this challenging moment in our country's history, the time is ripe for change. If you find your life lacks a certain purpose and direction, you may find it here. It can't hurt to try.

Can Children of Divorce Have A Happy Marriage?

Thought provoking article...

http://www.momlogic.com/2009/09/can_children_of_divorced_parents_have_happy_marriages.php

Give Peace A Chance

This is a message from a friend. I'll be attending; hope to see you there as well.

"Dear Friends and Beloveds!

Let's come together in PEACE for the cause of PEACE. The more of us that come together in PEACE, the bigger our PEACE WAVES will travel outward. I will be at both events, God willing, and hope to see you there!

May you be at PEACE wherever you are,
Denise"

This week we will be coming together in two exciting ways to celebrate United Nations International Day of Peace:

Thursday, Sept. 17th One Peace Concert Fundraiser
Unity of Livonia

Browse the tables at 7 pm. Concert starts at 7:30 pm.
Join us for an evening of FUN as local artists share their talents.
You might even know some of the performers!

Saturday, Sept. 19th One Peace Event, "Creating a World that Works for All."
Schoolcraft College

This uplifting program with a variety of presenters, performers and videoclips is sure to be fantastic, and one that will remain with you long after the event has ended.
Suggested attire: logo-free whites
Seats are limited so reserve your seats online at http://www.onepeace.us/

Please join us! Bring a friend! Thank you for your support!

Fearing Divorce, Mom Finds Inner Frugalista

http://ow.ly/owkG Great article for moms, in or out of divorce.

Royal Oak: Jewel in SE Michigan

In the past couple of years I've become a real cheerleader for Michigan, as I grow more and more aware of all the great things we've got going. Just this week, however, I realized there's a true gem I've neglected to mention in my accolades - Royal Oak.

Last year, I spent a lot of time in Colorado, under less than happy circumstances (my younger sister's passing). The bright spot of all my trips there, however, was Pearl Street in Boulder. I spent much of my free time there; eating at Sunflower (a gourmet vegetarian restaurant), perusing the shops like Now and Zen, and finding cool stuff in all the hippie stores -like a scarf with jingling gold coins that tied around my hips. My favorite place was a coffee shop called The Laughing Goat, which I initially visited because in the Chinese horoscope I am a goat, and returned to often because of their world famous cappuccino with rosettes drawn into the foam. (Ah, the memories!) They had poetry readings there, and I remember one night when I mapped out my entire winning strategy for the trial in my sister's case.

But after all this time, I am thrilled to find that Pearl Street, or its near equivalent, is right here in my own backyard: Main Street in Royal Oak! For those of us who love beautiful things yet are still firmly based in our hippie roots, Main Street is the best.

For years I've enjoyed dining in places like Little Tree or Katana in Royal Oak, but it wasn't until I started a muscle fusion class (torture!) at the World Gym that I began to discover just how cool this street really is. Being a die hard Starbucks fan, I walked down there to get a cappuccino after my class. (It is very good there, but sadly, no match for The Laughing Goat.) On my way back, I noticed a very neat little store selling sexy Ed Hardy shirts and right next to it, a health food store filled with so many treasures you could spend the whole day there exploring the possibilities! I went inside, planning to get Nori for my cat and leaving with a bagful of things.

There are outdoor cafes all down the block, where a host of people are sitting and talking, often with a dog or two. On a bench in front of the library, someone I know puts on mini-concerts with his friend. If you're feeling lonely and want to meet someone new, just go there on Wednesday night (if you're my age) or Thursday night, if you're my kids' age. Wednesday is cruiser night, and Thursday is crotch rocket night. Men are lined up down the block, showing off their pride and joy. I'm not a huge motorcycle fan myself, but some of these bikes are just unbelievable! Obviously their owners love them, and the variety is unlike anything I've ever seen.

One street west of Main is Washington, which also has a plethoria of interesting shops. One, called Sole Sisters, has a sign on their window proclaiming that they were named Number One in Channel Four's "4 the Best" online voting contest. (Come to think of it, there's a store called Sole Sisters on Pearl Street, too.) I really have only scratched the service of this fascinating section of town, but one thing is for sure. No matter what mood you're in when you get there, by the time you leave Royal Oak you'll be feeling great! Check it out yourself and see what I mean.

Ten Rules for Men Who Marry Women with Children

http://bit.ly/NmQIO Good advice from Dr. Jeannette Lofas on how to successfully navigate these uncharted waters.

Back to School: How To Help Your Kids Stay on Top

Back to school time is here! Here's a link to help your kids stay on top of their academic subjects: http://om.ly/IqhS

Single Parent Dating, A Package Deal

With the rising rates of divorce, it is common to find yourself dating again as a single parent. Being a single parent who is dating again is not always due to divorce, but no matter the reason it can be daunting. Dating can be tricky as it is, but being a single parent, and having to start dating again has its own set of trials and rewards. The trials you face as a single parent are very similar to those anyone who is dating will face, on steroids!

For example, you will have the same insecurities, the same worries, and the same level of difficulty or ease of attracting members of the opposite sex. However, as a single parent your insecurities now include the insecurities of your children, and fears and worry about not only how you feel about someone but how your children feel as well. Even more challenging, now it is not just you the person has to be attracted to, but your child or children as well, (at least, they must be okay with you having a child or children).

As a single parent who is dating you face the dilemma of knowing when to introduce your dates to your children. This can be a real challenge because sometimes it is too much too soon, while other times your date may feel like something is wrong because you have not introduced them yet. Each person's experience is different, but what matters most is how you feel. If you want your kids to meet all of your dates, great. If you only want them to meet the ones you are serious about, that is fine too. You have to evaluate how your children are going to respond to your dates, and be the gatekeeper for when they should meet. A lot depends on the exercise of your good judgment.

As a single parent who is dating, you also have the trial of explaining your choices to your children. Many times children either do not understand or do not want to understand why you are dating again. It does not matter if your child is a teen, a toddler, or an adult! It can be tough to explain your choices to them. In some cases they do not have the emotional capacity to understand why you are with someone other than their mommy or daddy. In other cases they simply resent you for leaving, or for moving on. They may fear that your rejection of their other parent is a rejection of them, and consequently resist your forming a new relationship. The difficulty of this situation will vary based on your children, the time frame, and your situation. For example, if you had a messy divorce, and your teenage child is having a hard time coping with it, and you start dating a week after it is final, they may respond by acting out and making life difficult.

However, if your spouse were to pass away, and a year or so later you decide to date again, they may be far more understanding. Your child or children do not have to like your choices, but it is always a good idea to try and help them understand, or at least respect that it is your choice to make.

The most important fact to remember with single parent dating is that it's a package deal. Your new partner must love you, and love (or being willing to accept) your children. And your kids, while they may not be overjoyed, must at least accept your choice. Otherwise, they will make sure that it doesn't work. Sometimes, moving on from an unhappy marriage to a new, blended family can be out of the frying pan into the fire. So be sure to take your time in moving into a new, long-term relationship.

Ten Signs Your Spouse Might Be Planning to Divorce You

1. When they start having their mail sent to the office.
2. When they spend more time looking at porn than wanting to have sex with you.
3. When the fighting stops because they don't even want to bother; the "quiet before the storm."
4. When they start to spend more and more time away from home.
5. When they begin to have friends you've never met.
6. When they start sleeping in another room, or ask you to.
7. When they become secretive about money, and/or start squirreling it away.
8. When they stop wanting to do things with you.
9. When you start noticing the same number showing up on the cell phone bill, over and over.
10. When the credit card shows purchases for rooms, dinners, or gifts that you know nothing about.

Do Children Reconcile From Parental Alienation?

I just read an excellent article on parental alienation by Dr. Katherine Andre, http://networkedblogs.com/p10100759. She examines whether children who experience parental alienation ever reconcile with the alienated parent, finding that 95% of children do and only 5% do not. Dr. Andre lists four factors that are important in making the difference:

One is contact of any kind, such birthday cards, graduation gifts, or the occasional phone call, even if rebuffed by the child. Second, of course, is love, love, love. Dr. Andre stresses that it is important not to try and defend or explain yourself, unless asked. The primary message to send the alienated child is that you love them. (My comment: It is important to remember that they are being deluged with the opposite message.)

I agree with this wholeheartedly, based upon my own experience. When my parents divorced and my father left, leaving me to live with my mother, I heard an almost non-stop barrage of negative comments about my father. When I was with my dad during his parenting time, however, he said nothing about my mother (except for one isolated incident I can recall). By declining to jump into the fray, my father gave me the freedom to reach my own conclusions about "who did what." He gave me a calm space from which to see the whole picture. That was a godsend to me, since my mother was adamant that we take "her" side and conclude that my father was no good. It may be heard to believe, but by remaining neutral, you are a more powerful advocate than you could ever be by trying to convince your children of your "innocence." Without my dad's neutrality, I don't believe I would have recovered from the alienation that was ongoing in my teenage life.

Dr. Andre lists community support as a third factor in children's recovery. There wasn't much of that going on when I was a child. The fourth and final factor is hope. Always keep the door open, even though it is painful to be rejected by your own child (and you are human and have feelings, like anyone else).

Understand that the alienated child, however they may behave, has a deep-seated need to love and interact with both their parents. By keeping the door open, you maintain a lifeline of love.

Do You Know Someone Who Has Recovered From MS?

If so, please write me and tell me the story! I have a dear friend that I love, who was stricken with MS and now can move nothing but her head and neck. Multiple Sclerosis (MS) is one of the most common diseases which affect white matter in the brain. In MS lesions, the Myelin Shield around the axons has been destroyed by inflammation. It is felt that a person develops antibodies to Myelin, so that the antibodies see Myelin as 'foreign' and attack in, causing damage. This leads to issues with the conduction in nerve impulses.

My friend has already lost the ability to move her arms and legs, and has almost no muscle tissue left in them. According to her, if nothing is found to stop the antibodies attack on the Myelin, she will lose the ability to breathe and perform other life-sustaining functions.

I have heard of people who enjoyed a complete recovery from MS. If you are one of those people, or know someone who is, please write to me and share what you know. My friend's dream is to be able to stand on her own again. I want to see her live that dream! Thank you for caring.

Stick to the Fight When You're Hardest Hit

It's when things seem worst, that you must not quit!

That's the last line from a poem on the little plaque my daughter bought me, back when my former husband and I had just split up. I was handling everything on my own for the first time, and I guess she knew I felt scared sometimes. So she bought me that to encourage me. Many's the time I read that poem and felt comforted by its verses.

We all get scared at different points in our life, and divorce is one of those times. I see this often in my practice, especially with women and usually when the case is almost over. What hurts is that often, just when they are in the final stretch, women become fearful and begin to doubt their lawyer. Then they "jump ship," hire a new lawyer...and start all over.

Maybe what they are really afraid of is the case ending and facing what comes after that. I don't know. Maybe they begin to doubt their own judgment, and start to take advice from their friends and associates (you know; the ones that are always there with their own horror stories and free advice on what "should" be happening in the case).

They start to look at the lawyer they chose to guide them through this ordeal, and decide they don't know what they're doing. They panic, and run to the nearest lawyer who tells them what they want to hear. There are unscrupulous lawyers ready to reel them in by telling them how their current lawyer is doing everything wrong.

Short of some incredible breakdown of communication between client and lawyer (like a fistfight, perhaps), this is the worst possible thing a client can do. They dump the very person who knows their case almost as well as they do, and start all over with someone who knows nothing about the case, just as the case is about to end. Not only do they not know the dynamics of the parties; but they will charge the client for the time it takes to learn what the first lawyer already knows.

Sadly, many women don't realize that the best thing they could do at this particular point in the case, is confess, "Look, this is the scariest moment of my life and I'm so afraid of making the wrong decision. My husband is telling me one thing, and my girlfriends are telling me another. But I picked you to represent me, so I am going to trust that you will make sure I come out of this all right."

With a statement like that, their lawyer will move heaven and earth to do right by them, because they know their client is depending on them.

Generally speaking, people who become lawyers are "helpers." They truly get satisfaction from helping people in difficult circumstances. (I've seen this first-hand over and over, whenever I post a question or problem on the family law listserv.) In my own experience, although I do my best for every client, those clients who let me know that they have put their faith in me get that "extra effort." The evening emails, the weekend calls, whatever it takes to make sure their needs are met. It becomes personal, because I know they have put their trust in me and I am not going to let them down.

Attorneys are human beings like anyone else, and when their client begins taking Aunt Martha's advice instead of their lawyer's, it's insulting. If the client disbelieves what they say and runs out to consult with seven other lawyers, the relationship is at an end. Of course a client has every right to talk with as many lawyers as they want.

But by the time the end of the case is reached, one would hope that the client had enough confidence in their lawyer to trust their advice. It's hard to explain that to a client in "panic mode," yet it is so regrettable because of the damage they do to their own case. Worst of all, they undermine their confidence in their own ability to make decisions, by rejecting the very person they selected to represent them in a major life event. This is not a promising way to start their new life!

In a way, it reminds me of the old "acres of diamonds" story. The man in Africa who sold his property and set out across the country, looking for diamonds and dying penniless, years later. Meanwhile, the man who bought his property came upon some pretty stones in the brook, right there in his own backyard. And it turned out to be a veritable mother lode of diamonds which the first man had overlooked, in his rush to find treasure elsewhere.

I urge you not to make this mistake yourself. By trusting in your current lawyer, you are trusting in yourself, in your own judgment. From here you will move on to make many more important decisions in your life, and you will have learned that no one knows your needs better than you! Otherwise, you continue to take other people's advice on what is best for you, and you never come into your own and find out who you truly are. So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit. It's when things seem worst, that you must not quit.

Going' to Kansas City...

Kansas City, here I come! In fact, I'm already here at the Rogue Investor tax lien seminar. Yesterday we learned about the best states to buy tax liens, then we all went out to try the famous KC barbecue, and watch a Royals game! They sure love their team.

Also met Joe Lawrence (thejoelawrence on twitter), who shared some great info on getting business credit to build your business. He has an upcoming workshop in NJ on October 17th. Anyone interested in real estate investing or getting business lines of credit to build your business should attend.

I'm in a session right now on building your website, so I'd better sign off. Don't want to be rude with my clicking keystrokes...

Next Stop, the Show Me State

Haven't blogged since I got back from my awesome trip to Saugatuck. What a wonderful, creative, free-spirited city that is! It was a great opportunity for some much-needed R & R.

Now I have to pack and leave at 4 a.m. tomorrow morning for another adventure I've signed on for, this time in Kansas City. I am looking forward to it, and at the same time wondering why I want to leave my wonderful, ultra-comfortable bed to stay in a hotel in another city.

The simple truth is, there's no place like home. And there is no hotel like the beautiful space I've created in my own bedroom.

Parental Alienation- Don't Do It

I am working on various motions in a custody case. Reviewing the mother's actions, again and again the words "Parental Alienation Syndrome" come to mind. Dr. Reena Sommer says "Parental Alienation Syndrome (P.A.S.) is a burden that a child is forced to bear when one parent fails to recognize their child's strong needto love and be loved by the other parent. "

She considers it a form of child abuse (I agree) because:

1. It robs children of the security provided by the bond they once shared with the targeted parent.
2. It embeds in children’s minds falsehoods about the targeted parent that are injurious to their own psyche and their sense of self (i.e., "Mom/Dad never really loved you"; "Mom/Dad is dangerous"; "Mom/Dad has done inappropriate things to you").
3. The process of aligning children against the targeted parent often involves threats, lies, manipulations, deprivation and even physical abuse.
(To read more of her article, go to http://www.solutions4pas.com/PASreport.html)

To me, P.A.S. stems from a poverty mentality. One parent feels that, if children are free to love the other parent, then they (the children) will not love the alienating parent, or love them less. They fear the loss of their children's love. Nothing could be further from the truth! Love is like a muscle; the more you use it, the bigger it gets. The more you give, the more you have to give.

Remember, the best gift any divorcing parent can give their child is the freedom to love both parents, without guilt or recrimination. It will return to you a thousandfold, I promise you.

Fun in Michigan!

Anybody who thinks you can't have fun right here in Michigan, hasn't taken a look at our beautiful state. I've spent a lot of time working this summer, and now that it's almost over I decided to take a little "me" time.

Of course I looked no further than the western side of our state; Saugatuck! As it happens, I am not the only one who knows how beautiful this place is. I called almost every hotel, boatel in the area, and they were all booked! I asked them, "What is going on? Is there a big event?" They said, no, it's just summer. And that apparently is enough.

Luckily, I found one of the few remaining rooms and am looking forward to enjoying what promises to be a beautiful weekend.

No sooner did I make my reservation, than I got an email from my friend and editor of the Body, Mind, Spirit Guide, Penny Golden. It described an enticing adventure taking place on September 25-27 and said, "The setting for this glorious weekend is the charming Chateau Lorraine Bed and Breakfast on Mackinac Island." Of course, I signed up for this, too.

I love to travel, and I have enjoyed traveling to different countries and different states all my life. This summer, however, I have had the distinct privilege of discovering the beauty of my home state. I hope you take the time to enjoy it, too!

Still Looking for Work?

Check out "The Jobs Guy" http://thejobsguy.wordpress.com/

Single Parent Magazine

Hey, check it out and please let me know what you think! This is their first issue.http://www.singleparent101magazine.com/

Sites to Save You Money or Find a Job

With thanks to Liz Frerich...
Top 10 Money Saving Sites: http://ow.ly/jsYr
Now Hiring: Everywhere You Didn't Want to Work: http://ow.ly/jsY2

Start at the Beginning, Not the End

I gained a great insight from a client today. We had gone to court, worked everything out, and favorably resolved the entire case at the first hearing without having to return! How great is that, I thought. But my client was upset.

I couldn't understand it! I had thoroughly researched her case, knew the law, and went there armed with the facts. Some judges like to hold certain conferences in chambers, and that's what this court did. Opposing counsel and I went in there and duked it out across the desk from the judge, who assessed our positions and helped us find a solution that worked. We managed to resolve, not only my emergency motion, but the entire case.

We went back out to the hallway, where our clients patiently waited for us, and began hammering out minor details of the settlement. I thought my client would be thrilled to be done with court, her first time there, but she wasn't. She called me the next day, very upset, and told me her feelings in detail.

At first I was a bit put off by what I felt was ingratitude for my finding the most cost-effective solution to her problem. Gradually though, it dawned on me that she didn't know I'd been back there with opposing counsel and the judge, fighting on her behalf. All she knew was that I disappeared for 30 minutes then came out, announced the solution, briefly solicited her agreement, and dragged her into court to "put it on the record."

I started to realize that I had taken for granted she knew what was going on behind the scenes. She didn't. She had never been to a court hearing before. She thought she was going for a conference and all of a sudden the case was settled. It was a good settlement, but she hadn't been brought up to speed on the fact that we came for a pre-trial, and resolved the entire case that morning. That was morph speed for her, because she is unfamiliar with the ways of lawyers and courts.

Upon reflection, it reminds me of when I talk to health insurance agents. They start talking about all the different options, plans, coverage, etc. and I phase out. I have no idea what they're talking about. Not because I'm dumb, but because I'm unfamiliar. (Ever tried speaking with a native speaker after taking Spanish 101?) I need them to slow down, put it in language I can understand, and repeat.

Being a communication major in undergraduate school, I'm a bit abashed that I didn't realize this obvious problem. I truly regret that I caused my client undue stress by making assumptions. Luckily, she was outspoken enough to let me know. In fact, the last thing she said was "Maybe that is something you need to remember with your next client." She is one hundred percent right, and I thank her for that. I am sure all future clients will, as well, since this is a lesson I won't forget.

Back in Action!

This morning I started the day with an early morning training session with my excellent personal trainer, Sheryl Blystone. After injuring my knee in fitness boot camp in mid July, I did no aerobic exercise for three weeks and got some chiropractic adjustments from Dr. Sharon Haver. She has a very effective way of adjusting that doesn't include jerking the body around (something that has always scared me.) I learned a lot from her about how every part of your body affects every other part, and why it is so important to maintain good posture at all times. She taught me that there is even a very specific way of getting into, and out of, a car, to maintain your spinal alignment.

Meanwhile, Sheryl and I worked around the knee to keep my muscle tone everywhere else. But it was a lonnnng three weeks. Finally, my knee recovered (yay!) without surgery, and I was ready to get back in the swing. Today, I was scheduled for fitness boot camp at 5:30 a.m., Sheryl at 8 a.m., then Muscle Fusion class tonight at 7 p.m. I decided to take it a bit slower than that, so I skipped the boot camp. I didn't want to overdo it and have a relapse. Those three weeks were tough for me. I couldn't even go dancing!

Fitness has been a regular part of my life ever since I was in law school. But I didn't realize how much I defined myself as someone who is fit and healthy until I was "laid off" for a few weeks. Boy, did that suck!

Nevertheless, it was a valuable experience for me. I learned, first-hand, how it feels to be limping around wincing in pain while everyone around me was breezing through life. After just a week of non-stop pain I found I was irritable, depressed, and out of sorts. I began to understand just how much courage and character it takes to be pleasant to others when you are hurting inside. I gained respect for people in this situation, and compassion for their plight.

There's an old saying that you can't understand someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. I did that when my knee was injured, and I was staring at the prospect of surgery, which would further delay my return to exercise for weeks or months. Although I can't say I enjoyed the experience, I am truly grateful for the chance to develop a greater understanding of people less fortunate than I.

A True Beauty

I visited with a friend today who gives new meaning to the word "courage." I represented this lady in her divorce several years ago, and we meet from time to time to catch up. "Jean" (not her real name) suffers from Multiple Sclerosis. When I represented her, she was in a wheelchair and had the use of her upper body.

When I saw her today, however, she basically could move nothing but her head. That is very sad; yet what is remarkable about this lady is her beautiful spirit. Without exception, whenever I have talked to her, she's always upbeat. "Hi, how ya doing? Oh, I'm doing fine." Her voice is always positive and light. I have never once heard her complain, although she does talk about her condition when asked.

Jean is very spiritual, and like most of us in the spiritual world, believes that everything happens for a reason. She has explored innumerable spiritual and holisitic technologies to overcome this physical challenge, but so far success has evaded her. When I saw her today after so many years, looking at her slendor limbs stripped of muscle or fat, I wondered "How does she do it?" She told me, "I am just really wondering what else I have to learn before I can get up and walk again?" I certainly don't know. She has far more strength than I.

Every single thing she does takes enormous effort. For example, to use the computer, she has to use a voice-activated keyboard. But as anyone knows who has tried one, they don't always work like they should. If she wants to put something on the website I helped her set up several years ago, it requires an elaborate process of telling the computer to copy an item she'd like placed on the site, then telling it to post to a different program, etc. It is no wonder she hasn't been on the site in over a year!

Just swallowing a pill is a challenge. It requires someone else to empty the pills into her open mouth, then hold a glass with a straw in it for her to drink and get them down. And of course, whether she is hungry or not, she dooesn't eat until her caregiver comes and prepares her food. How can she possibly keep her spirits up as she does?

A couple of weeks ago, I injured my knee in a fitness boot camp and was in a lot of pain. It affected every moment, both waking and sleeping, of my life. As a result I was grumpy, depressed, and in despair...after just two weeks! I also headed for the pain medication asap, as it seemed the only way to get any sleep.

Talking to Jean, I learned that she is in constant pain herself (and I am sure it is a lot worse than mine). Yet she made the decision early on not to use pain medication, and so she doesn't. She said, "If I took pain medication every time I hurt, I'd be zonked out all the time." How can she do it? I am just amazed at this woman. How can she be so strong, and so loving to others, while living a life that would cause most of us to just give up?

But I haven't even mentioned the most remarkable thing about Jean, and that is her face. Her beautiful, shining face. The thoughts a person thinks are reflected in their face, and show up more over time. Jean's face? There is scarcely a line on it; no crow's feet, no frown marks. With the lightest of make-up (no doubt applied by her caregiver for my visit), I looked at her flawless skin and those eyes from which shone the most beautiful spirit I have ever seen. And I knew I was in the presence of greatness. Thank you, Jean, for showing me what true beauty looks like.

What Makes A Single Mom?

Interesting blog on facebook, http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?topic=9744&uid=104166038771

Single parents face a lot of unique challenges that couples don't. They need to be both "Mom" and "Dad" to their kids, or find a suitable role model for the other parent. Being a single parent myself, I did the best I could to meet my children's needs, but one person really cannot fulfill all of those roles, in my opinion. The good news is, two parent families don't do it all "right," either. We all do the best we can from where we stand.

One important thing we can do as single parents, is remember to keep our opinions to ourself about the other parent...unless it is to say something good! I cannot stress this enough. Often in a divorce, people see only the bad in their former spouse, and are only too happy to share it with their children. Or (worse), look to the children for support. I know it's hard to go through divorce. I know it's tough to go it alone. But it is just wrong to expect your kids to shore you up. Find a caring friend or professional. Let your children be children, and free to love you both.

A Simple Request

"For the rest of your lives on this planet allow one minute out of every hour for the unanticipated. Let yourselves out of prison to look at your world with unexpecting eyes--eyes that are not formulated to structure. Reclaim the wonder of the very small child. Fatigue will go. Creativity will return. Your heart will open. Illness will decrease and vanish. Your world will change."

From Emmanual's Book II: The Choice for Love

Clearing Your Space

Your physical space is a reflection of your mental state. Create orderly surroundings by eliminating needless things, and you will reap the benefits of an ordered mind.

Do you want to know the state of your mind? You don't have to go to a psychologist for expensive testing. Take a look at your surroundings. What is the state of your home; your bedroom; your office? Look closely. You are seeing the state of your mind, projected before you.

...If you own up to clutter, now is the time to let it go. Just an hour or two a week spent de-cluttering will increase your sense of serenity. Start in one room and throw away 25 items you no longer need.

Whenever I faced a problem in my life in my journey after divorce, I found that de-cluttering often helped me find the solution. Once, I chose to start by clearing out my home office. I threw away papers, files, and cases that had closed years ago. As I worked, I listened to Louise Hay's Receiving Properity CD, and affirmed to myself, "I am cleaning out the legal files of my mind." In the process, I found a current file that I had been looking for everywhere, and another file that applied to a pending case. When the project was done, I had transformed my office from a foreign, chaotic place to be avoided into an orderly domain. The immediate reward was a feeling of serenity.

...In a Zen Buddhist story, a student comes to a master seeking wisdom. The seeker spoke endlessly about what he already knew. The master said nothing. Finally, he took the student's cup and began pouring tea into until it overflowed all over the table. "Stop!" the student cried. "Can't you see the tea is overflowng?" The Zen master replied, "Exactly. I cannot fill a cup that is already full." If we hold onto old experiences, bad memories, and the flotsam and jetsam of our waking lives, we leave no room for the new. Wisdom enters a clear space.

(Excerpt from JIGSAW: Picking up the Pieces After Divorce by Mindy L. Hitchcock) To read more, go to Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/Jigsaw-Putting-Pieces-Together-Divorce/dp/1419663526/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1248568816&sr=1-1

Divorce: It's All in Your Point of View

I had a monumental insight today. It happened after momentarily re-connecting with someone with whom I once had a personal relationship. My reasons for ending it were very clear to me. Yet in my communication with him today, it was clear that he had a very different view of the relationship. He wasn't lying; he actually believed what he was saying to me.

I see this phenomena all the time in divorce. Talk to the wife about why the marriage ended, and she will tell you all about the husband's faults. Listening, it is very clear that he was the entire problem. He was demanding, a control freak, a cheat. Then ask the husband, and you will hear a completely different side of the story. She was too passive, she didn't fulfill his sexual needs, didn't appreciate him, etc. So different, you would think you were talking about two completely different marriages.

When I was thirteen, my parents got divorced. When my Mother told the story, it was all my Father's fault. He was demanding and threatening, and my Mom was the innocent victim. I expressed the belief that my Mom was a victim one time to my Dad, and he almost choked. He said, "I thought she was a dominating monster."

Going through this phenomena with my former significant other today really crystalized what was going on. Everybody focuses on their own point of view, almost to the complete exclusion of the other's. (No wonder the relationship didn't work!) You may say, "This is all very interesting, but so what? Who cares if you and your ex-boyfriend don't see eye to eye?"

Probably no one. But it took me back to when I was a teenager. I was completely confounded by this, to the point I said to my Mom, "One of you is lying." But in fact, they were both telling the truth. Their truth.

This is so important to remember for kids who are going through divorce, and underscores the need to KEEP THE CHILDREN OUT OF IT. Telling them your side of the story only confuses them, and makes them feel they must take sides. It's hard enough to make sense of things when a kid's parents are getting divorced. Don't make it worse, by trying to win them to your truth.

For me, this confusion lead me early on to despair that such a thing as love really existed. I then went down a fairly destructive path, from which I am grateful to say I returned. Some kids aren't so lucky, however. My younger sister became a hard core alcoholic and last year, died. We never know how a child will respond to the trauma that occurs in divorce. Let your kids make their own decisions about who did, or didn't, do what. A Course in Miracles asks the question, "Would you rather be right, or be happy?" Be happy.

Seasons of Life

Often we expect ourselves to be the same every day, regardless of what is going on in our life. That is why we need to learn respect for our own personal seasons. Zen master Taisen Deshimaru says: "Some people treat their bodies like machines and try to keep them running indefinitely; then they wear out and cannot find their balance, and then come sickness and death."

...There is an ebb and flow to life and I am a part of it. So are you. We cannot expect the waves to constantly crest; they must first subside and return to the sea. Marianne Williamson says that we are like waves on the ocean, each of us thinking that we are different from other waves and not realizing that we are all part of the same ocean.

Once we realize this truth, we need to accept and allow the natural rhythm of waves. We do not all "crest" at the same time. We need to honor our seasons and get in touch with the power of stillness in motion. This is when the Universal rhythm manifests itself; this is when we discover who we are. You can no more force yourself to grow than you can force a flower to bloom. So don't try. Realize that you are in the right place at the right time, doing the right thing. And so it is.

(Excerpt from JIGSAW: Putting the Pieces Together After Divorce by Mindy L. Hitchcock.) To read more, go to Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/Jigsaw-Putting-Pieces-Together-Divorce/dp/1419663526/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1248568816&sr=1-1