Do Children Reconcile From Parental Alienation?

I just read an excellent article on parental alienation by Dr. Katherine Andre, http://networkedblogs.com/p10100759. She examines whether children who experience parental alienation ever reconcile with the alienated parent, finding that 95% of children do and only 5% do not. Dr. Andre lists four factors that are important in making the difference:

One is contact of any kind, such birthday cards, graduation gifts, or the occasional phone call, even if rebuffed by the child. Second, of course, is love, love, love. Dr. Andre stresses that it is important not to try and defend or explain yourself, unless asked. The primary message to send the alienated child is that you love them. (My comment: It is important to remember that they are being deluged with the opposite message.)

I agree with this wholeheartedly, based upon my own experience. When my parents divorced and my father left, leaving me to live with my mother, I heard an almost non-stop barrage of negative comments about my father. When I was with my dad during his parenting time, however, he said nothing about my mother (except for one isolated incident I can recall). By declining to jump into the fray, my father gave me the freedom to reach my own conclusions about "who did what." He gave me a calm space from which to see the whole picture. That was a godsend to me, since my mother was adamant that we take "her" side and conclude that my father was no good. It may be heard to believe, but by remaining neutral, you are a more powerful advocate than you could ever be by trying to convince your children of your "innocence." Without my dad's neutrality, I don't believe I would have recovered from the alienation that was ongoing in my teenage life.

Dr. Andre lists community support as a third factor in children's recovery. There wasn't much of that going on when I was a child. The fourth and final factor is hope. Always keep the door open, even though it is painful to be rejected by your own child (and you are human and have feelings, like anyone else).

Understand that the alienated child, however they may behave, has a deep-seated need to love and interact with both their parents. By keeping the door open, you maintain a lifeline of love.

Do You Know Someone Who Has Recovered From MS?

If so, please write me and tell me the story! I have a dear friend that I love, who was stricken with MS and now can move nothing but her head and neck. Multiple Sclerosis (MS) is one of the most common diseases which affect white matter in the brain. In MS lesions, the Myelin Shield around the axons has been destroyed by inflammation. It is felt that a person develops antibodies to Myelin, so that the antibodies see Myelin as 'foreign' and attack in, causing damage. This leads to issues with the conduction in nerve impulses.

My friend has already lost the ability to move her arms and legs, and has almost no muscle tissue left in them. According to her, if nothing is found to stop the antibodies attack on the Myelin, she will lose the ability to breathe and perform other life-sustaining functions.

I have heard of people who enjoyed a complete recovery from MS. If you are one of those people, or know someone who is, please write to me and share what you know. My friend's dream is to be able to stand on her own again. I want to see her live that dream! Thank you for caring.

Stick to the Fight When You're Hardest Hit

It's when things seem worst, that you must not quit!

That's the last line from a poem on the little plaque my daughter bought me, back when my former husband and I had just split up. I was handling everything on my own for the first time, and I guess she knew I felt scared sometimes. So she bought me that to encourage me. Many's the time I read that poem and felt comforted by its verses.

We all get scared at different points in our life, and divorce is one of those times. I see this often in my practice, especially with women and usually when the case is almost over. What hurts is that often, just when they are in the final stretch, women become fearful and begin to doubt their lawyer. Then they "jump ship," hire a new lawyer...and start all over.

Maybe what they are really afraid of is the case ending and facing what comes after that. I don't know. Maybe they begin to doubt their own judgment, and start to take advice from their friends and associates (you know; the ones that are always there with their own horror stories and free advice on what "should" be happening in the case).

They start to look at the lawyer they chose to guide them through this ordeal, and decide they don't know what they're doing. They panic, and run to the nearest lawyer who tells them what they want to hear. There are unscrupulous lawyers ready to reel them in by telling them how their current lawyer is doing everything wrong.

Short of some incredible breakdown of communication between client and lawyer (like a fistfight, perhaps), this is the worst possible thing a client can do. They dump the very person who knows their case almost as well as they do, and start all over with someone who knows nothing about the case, just as the case is about to end. Not only do they not know the dynamics of the parties; but they will charge the client for the time it takes to learn what the first lawyer already knows.

Sadly, many women don't realize that the best thing they could do at this particular point in the case, is confess, "Look, this is the scariest moment of my life and I'm so afraid of making the wrong decision. My husband is telling me one thing, and my girlfriends are telling me another. But I picked you to represent me, so I am going to trust that you will make sure I come out of this all right."

With a statement like that, their lawyer will move heaven and earth to do right by them, because they know their client is depending on them.

Generally speaking, people who become lawyers are "helpers." They truly get satisfaction from helping people in difficult circumstances. (I've seen this first-hand over and over, whenever I post a question or problem on the family law listserv.) In my own experience, although I do my best for every client, those clients who let me know that they have put their faith in me get that "extra effort." The evening emails, the weekend calls, whatever it takes to make sure their needs are met. It becomes personal, because I know they have put their trust in me and I am not going to let them down.

Attorneys are human beings like anyone else, and when their client begins taking Aunt Martha's advice instead of their lawyer's, it's insulting. If the client disbelieves what they say and runs out to consult with seven other lawyers, the relationship is at an end. Of course a client has every right to talk with as many lawyers as they want.

But by the time the end of the case is reached, one would hope that the client had enough confidence in their lawyer to trust their advice. It's hard to explain that to a client in "panic mode," yet it is so regrettable because of the damage they do to their own case. Worst of all, they undermine their confidence in their own ability to make decisions, by rejecting the very person they selected to represent them in a major life event. This is not a promising way to start their new life!

In a way, it reminds me of the old "acres of diamonds" story. The man in Africa who sold his property and set out across the country, looking for diamonds and dying penniless, years later. Meanwhile, the man who bought his property came upon some pretty stones in the brook, right there in his own backyard. And it turned out to be a veritable mother lode of diamonds which the first man had overlooked, in his rush to find treasure elsewhere.

I urge you not to make this mistake yourself. By trusting in your current lawyer, you are trusting in yourself, in your own judgment. From here you will move on to make many more important decisions in your life, and you will have learned that no one knows your needs better than you! Otherwise, you continue to take other people's advice on what is best for you, and you never come into your own and find out who you truly are. So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit. It's when things seem worst, that you must not quit.

Going' to Kansas City...

Kansas City, here I come! In fact, I'm already here at the Rogue Investor tax lien seminar. Yesterday we learned about the best states to buy tax liens, then we all went out to try the famous KC barbecue, and watch a Royals game! They sure love their team.

Also met Joe Lawrence (thejoelawrence on twitter), who shared some great info on getting business credit to build your business. He has an upcoming workshop in NJ on October 17th. Anyone interested in real estate investing or getting business lines of credit to build your business should attend.

I'm in a session right now on building your website, so I'd better sign off. Don't want to be rude with my clicking keystrokes...

Next Stop, the Show Me State

Haven't blogged since I got back from my awesome trip to Saugatuck. What a wonderful, creative, free-spirited city that is! It was a great opportunity for some much-needed R & R.

Now I have to pack and leave at 4 a.m. tomorrow morning for another adventure I've signed on for, this time in Kansas City. I am looking forward to it, and at the same time wondering why I want to leave my wonderful, ultra-comfortable bed to stay in a hotel in another city.

The simple truth is, there's no place like home. And there is no hotel like the beautiful space I've created in my own bedroom.

Parental Alienation- Don't Do It

I am working on various motions in a custody case. Reviewing the mother's actions, again and again the words "Parental Alienation Syndrome" come to mind. Dr. Reena Sommer says "Parental Alienation Syndrome (P.A.S.) is a burden that a child is forced to bear when one parent fails to recognize their child's strong needto love and be loved by the other parent. "

She considers it a form of child abuse (I agree) because:

1. It robs children of the security provided by the bond they once shared with the targeted parent.
2. It embeds in children’s minds falsehoods about the targeted parent that are injurious to their own psyche and their sense of self (i.e., "Mom/Dad never really loved you"; "Mom/Dad is dangerous"; "Mom/Dad has done inappropriate things to you").
3. The process of aligning children against the targeted parent often involves threats, lies, manipulations, deprivation and even physical abuse.
(To read more of her article, go to http://www.solutions4pas.com/PASreport.html)

To me, P.A.S. stems from a poverty mentality. One parent feels that, if children are free to love the other parent, then they (the children) will not love the alienating parent, or love them less. They fear the loss of their children's love. Nothing could be further from the truth! Love is like a muscle; the more you use it, the bigger it gets. The more you give, the more you have to give.

Remember, the best gift any divorcing parent can give their child is the freedom to love both parents, without guilt or recrimination. It will return to you a thousandfold, I promise you.

Fun in Michigan!

Anybody who thinks you can't have fun right here in Michigan, hasn't taken a look at our beautiful state. I've spent a lot of time working this summer, and now that it's almost over I decided to take a little "me" time.

Of course I looked no further than the western side of our state; Saugatuck! As it happens, I am not the only one who knows how beautiful this place is. I called almost every hotel, boatel in the area, and they were all booked! I asked them, "What is going on? Is there a big event?" They said, no, it's just summer. And that apparently is enough.

Luckily, I found one of the few remaining rooms and am looking forward to enjoying what promises to be a beautiful weekend.

No sooner did I make my reservation, than I got an email from my friend and editor of the Body, Mind, Spirit Guide, Penny Golden. It described an enticing adventure taking place on September 25-27 and said, "The setting for this glorious weekend is the charming Chateau Lorraine Bed and Breakfast on Mackinac Island." Of course, I signed up for this, too.

I love to travel, and I have enjoyed traveling to different countries and different states all my life. This summer, however, I have had the distinct privilege of discovering the beauty of my home state. I hope you take the time to enjoy it, too!

Still Looking for Work?

Check out "The Jobs Guy" http://thejobsguy.wordpress.com/

Single Parent Magazine

Hey, check it out and please let me know what you think! This is their first issue.http://www.singleparent101magazine.com/

Sites to Save You Money or Find a Job

With thanks to Liz Frerich...
Top 10 Money Saving Sites: http://ow.ly/jsYr
Now Hiring: Everywhere You Didn't Want to Work: http://ow.ly/jsY2

Start at the Beginning, Not the End

I gained a great insight from a client today. We had gone to court, worked everything out, and favorably resolved the entire case at the first hearing without having to return! How great is that, I thought. But my client was upset.

I couldn't understand it! I had thoroughly researched her case, knew the law, and went there armed with the facts. Some judges like to hold certain conferences in chambers, and that's what this court did. Opposing counsel and I went in there and duked it out across the desk from the judge, who assessed our positions and helped us find a solution that worked. We managed to resolve, not only my emergency motion, but the entire case.

We went back out to the hallway, where our clients patiently waited for us, and began hammering out minor details of the settlement. I thought my client would be thrilled to be done with court, her first time there, but she wasn't. She called me the next day, very upset, and told me her feelings in detail.

At first I was a bit put off by what I felt was ingratitude for my finding the most cost-effective solution to her problem. Gradually though, it dawned on me that she didn't know I'd been back there with opposing counsel and the judge, fighting on her behalf. All she knew was that I disappeared for 30 minutes then came out, announced the solution, briefly solicited her agreement, and dragged her into court to "put it on the record."

I started to realize that I had taken for granted she knew what was going on behind the scenes. She didn't. She had never been to a court hearing before. She thought she was going for a conference and all of a sudden the case was settled. It was a good settlement, but she hadn't been brought up to speed on the fact that we came for a pre-trial, and resolved the entire case that morning. That was morph speed for her, because she is unfamiliar with the ways of lawyers and courts.

Upon reflection, it reminds me of when I talk to health insurance agents. They start talking about all the different options, plans, coverage, etc. and I phase out. I have no idea what they're talking about. Not because I'm dumb, but because I'm unfamiliar. (Ever tried speaking with a native speaker after taking Spanish 101?) I need them to slow down, put it in language I can understand, and repeat.

Being a communication major in undergraduate school, I'm a bit abashed that I didn't realize this obvious problem. I truly regret that I caused my client undue stress by making assumptions. Luckily, she was outspoken enough to let me know. In fact, the last thing she said was "Maybe that is something you need to remember with your next client." She is one hundred percent right, and I thank her for that. I am sure all future clients will, as well, since this is a lesson I won't forget.

Back in Action!

This morning I started the day with an early morning training session with my excellent personal trainer, Sheryl Blystone. After injuring my knee in fitness boot camp in mid July, I did no aerobic exercise for three weeks and got some chiropractic adjustments from Dr. Sharon Haver. She has a very effective way of adjusting that doesn't include jerking the body around (something that has always scared me.) I learned a lot from her about how every part of your body affects every other part, and why it is so important to maintain good posture at all times. She taught me that there is even a very specific way of getting into, and out of, a car, to maintain your spinal alignment.

Meanwhile, Sheryl and I worked around the knee to keep my muscle tone everywhere else. But it was a lonnnng three weeks. Finally, my knee recovered (yay!) without surgery, and I was ready to get back in the swing. Today, I was scheduled for fitness boot camp at 5:30 a.m., Sheryl at 8 a.m., then Muscle Fusion class tonight at 7 p.m. I decided to take it a bit slower than that, so I skipped the boot camp. I didn't want to overdo it and have a relapse. Those three weeks were tough for me. I couldn't even go dancing!

Fitness has been a regular part of my life ever since I was in law school. But I didn't realize how much I defined myself as someone who is fit and healthy until I was "laid off" for a few weeks. Boy, did that suck!

Nevertheless, it was a valuable experience for me. I learned, first-hand, how it feels to be limping around wincing in pain while everyone around me was breezing through life. After just a week of non-stop pain I found I was irritable, depressed, and out of sorts. I began to understand just how much courage and character it takes to be pleasant to others when you are hurting inside. I gained respect for people in this situation, and compassion for their plight.

There's an old saying that you can't understand someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. I did that when my knee was injured, and I was staring at the prospect of surgery, which would further delay my return to exercise for weeks or months. Although I can't say I enjoyed the experience, I am truly grateful for the chance to develop a greater understanding of people less fortunate than I.

A True Beauty

I visited with a friend today who gives new meaning to the word "courage." I represented this lady in her divorce several years ago, and we meet from time to time to catch up. "Jean" (not her real name) suffers from Multiple Sclerosis. When I represented her, she was in a wheelchair and had the use of her upper body.

When I saw her today, however, she basically could move nothing but her head. That is very sad; yet what is remarkable about this lady is her beautiful spirit. Without exception, whenever I have talked to her, she's always upbeat. "Hi, how ya doing? Oh, I'm doing fine." Her voice is always positive and light. I have never once heard her complain, although she does talk about her condition when asked.

Jean is very spiritual, and like most of us in the spiritual world, believes that everything happens for a reason. She has explored innumerable spiritual and holisitic technologies to overcome this physical challenge, but so far success has evaded her. When I saw her today after so many years, looking at her slendor limbs stripped of muscle or fat, I wondered "How does she do it?" She told me, "I am just really wondering what else I have to learn before I can get up and walk again?" I certainly don't know. She has far more strength than I.

Every single thing she does takes enormous effort. For example, to use the computer, she has to use a voice-activated keyboard. But as anyone knows who has tried one, they don't always work like they should. If she wants to put something on the website I helped her set up several years ago, it requires an elaborate process of telling the computer to copy an item she'd like placed on the site, then telling it to post to a different program, etc. It is no wonder she hasn't been on the site in over a year!

Just swallowing a pill is a challenge. It requires someone else to empty the pills into her open mouth, then hold a glass with a straw in it for her to drink and get them down. And of course, whether she is hungry or not, she dooesn't eat until her caregiver comes and prepares her food. How can she possibly keep her spirits up as she does?

A couple of weeks ago, I injured my knee in a fitness boot camp and was in a lot of pain. It affected every moment, both waking and sleeping, of my life. As a result I was grumpy, depressed, and in despair...after just two weeks! I also headed for the pain medication asap, as it seemed the only way to get any sleep.

Talking to Jean, I learned that she is in constant pain herself (and I am sure it is a lot worse than mine). Yet she made the decision early on not to use pain medication, and so she doesn't. She said, "If I took pain medication every time I hurt, I'd be zonked out all the time." How can she do it? I am just amazed at this woman. How can she be so strong, and so loving to others, while living a life that would cause most of us to just give up?

But I haven't even mentioned the most remarkable thing about Jean, and that is her face. Her beautiful, shining face. The thoughts a person thinks are reflected in their face, and show up more over time. Jean's face? There is scarcely a line on it; no crow's feet, no frown marks. With the lightest of make-up (no doubt applied by her caregiver for my visit), I looked at her flawless skin and those eyes from which shone the most beautiful spirit I have ever seen. And I knew I was in the presence of greatness. Thank you, Jean, for showing me what true beauty looks like.

What Makes A Single Mom?

Interesting blog on facebook, http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?topic=9744&uid=104166038771

Single parents face a lot of unique challenges that couples don't. They need to be both "Mom" and "Dad" to their kids, or find a suitable role model for the other parent. Being a single parent myself, I did the best I could to meet my children's needs, but one person really cannot fulfill all of those roles, in my opinion. The good news is, two parent families don't do it all "right," either. We all do the best we can from where we stand.

One important thing we can do as single parents, is remember to keep our opinions to ourself about the other parent...unless it is to say something good! I cannot stress this enough. Often in a divorce, people see only the bad in their former spouse, and are only too happy to share it with their children. Or (worse), look to the children for support. I know it's hard to go through divorce. I know it's tough to go it alone. But it is just wrong to expect your kids to shore you up. Find a caring friend or professional. Let your children be children, and free to love you both.

A Simple Request

"For the rest of your lives on this planet allow one minute out of every hour for the unanticipated. Let yourselves out of prison to look at your world with unexpecting eyes--eyes that are not formulated to structure. Reclaim the wonder of the very small child. Fatigue will go. Creativity will return. Your heart will open. Illness will decrease and vanish. Your world will change."

From Emmanual's Book II: The Choice for Love