“Divorces don’t wreck children’s lives – people do!”
~Vicky Lansky
There's an old lawyer's joke that says criminal lawyers represent bad people at their best, and divorce lawyers represent good people at their worst. Like most humor, it's based on truth.
People who are wonderful, lovable people in general can do the most deplorable things in a divorce. They are in pain, and people express pain in different ways. That's perfectly understandable, and releasing it is the healthiest thing they can do for all concerned.
But they need to keep their children out of it.
Going through a divorce is tough on the parties. But it’s even tougher on the kids. Suddenly thrown into a situation they had no part in creating, kids find themselves in rough waters. The waves are howling; the wind blows, and they look up to see their parents--the captains of the ship—fighting at the helm! It’s very unsettling!
Parents are people, just like everyone else; but to their children, they are like gods. What we teach our children through our actions will shape their relationships for the rest of their lives. Most of us realize this as we try to raise our children the very best we can. But in a divorce, it’s easy to forget what the children are seeing, hearing, and learning from our behavior. The fact that parents begin to live in two different homes can be seen as a tragedy – the “disintegration of the family”- or as abundance: “now you have two peaceful homes instead of one conflict ridden dwelling.” It’s all in how we choose to see and judge the world our minds have created.
As a divorce lawyer, my job is guide my clients through the process of dissolving their marriages so as to minimize the impact to their loved ones, and set them up for success as co-parents with their former mates. Just because Mom and Dad no longer want to live together is no reason for the kids not to love them both. Helping parents see that is the most important challenge divorce lawyers face.
The parent-child relationship is different from the husband-wife relationship. Yet so often when parents split up, they bring the children into the conflict, with disastrous results. The children are encouraged to take sides, to see one parent as the “bad” parent and the other parent as the “victim.” This does not serve our children.
Unlike marriage, most divorces last forever. This can be a good thing. So often people choose to stay together “for the sake of the children,” but is it a service to our children to teach them to stay in relationships which have dissolved into rancor, screaming, or worse? We all tend to recreate as adults what we knew as home when we were kids. If our childhood home was a war zone, then we will tend to recreate the same environment in our homes as adults. Is that what we want to wish on our kids?
~Vicky Lansky
There's an old lawyer's joke that says criminal lawyers represent bad people at their best, and divorce lawyers represent good people at their worst. Like most humor, it's based on truth.
People who are wonderful, lovable people in general can do the most deplorable things in a divorce. They are in pain, and people express pain in different ways. That's perfectly understandable, and releasing it is the healthiest thing they can do for all concerned.
But they need to keep their children out of it.
Going through a divorce is tough on the parties. But it’s even tougher on the kids. Suddenly thrown into a situation they had no part in creating, kids find themselves in rough waters. The waves are howling; the wind blows, and they look up to see their parents--the captains of the ship—fighting at the helm! It’s very unsettling!
Parents are people, just like everyone else; but to their children, they are like gods. What we teach our children through our actions will shape their relationships for the rest of their lives. Most of us realize this as we try to raise our children the very best we can. But in a divorce, it’s easy to forget what the children are seeing, hearing, and learning from our behavior. The fact that parents begin to live in two different homes can be seen as a tragedy – the “disintegration of the family”- or as abundance: “now you have two peaceful homes instead of one conflict ridden dwelling.” It’s all in how we choose to see and judge the world our minds have created.
As a divorce lawyer, my job is guide my clients through the process of dissolving their marriages so as to minimize the impact to their loved ones, and set them up for success as co-parents with their former mates. Just because Mom and Dad no longer want to live together is no reason for the kids not to love them both. Helping parents see that is the most important challenge divorce lawyers face.
The parent-child relationship is different from the husband-wife relationship. Yet so often when parents split up, they bring the children into the conflict, with disastrous results. The children are encouraged to take sides, to see one parent as the “bad” parent and the other parent as the “victim.” This does not serve our children.
Unlike marriage, most divorces last forever. This can be a good thing. So often people choose to stay together “for the sake of the children,” but is it a service to our children to teach them to stay in relationships which have dissolved into rancor, screaming, or worse? We all tend to recreate as adults what we knew as home when we were kids. If our childhood home was a war zone, then we will tend to recreate the same environment in our homes as adults. Is that what we want to wish on our kids?
Of course not! That’s why parties in divorce need to make a commitment to each other to speak well of each other as much as possible. Children need to know that their parents’ breakup was not their fault; that both parents still love them, and that both parents always be there for them. The best way to establish those principles in the childrens’ minds is for the parents to say so in reference to each other. Promising not to use the children as weapons is nothing hard. It’s just something to decide and do.
It’s easy to say, “I love you”, when the wedding bells are sounding and hopes are high. It takes guts to show love (or at least, respect) to your spouse when the marriage has failed and the pain starts getting spread around. Divorce is an opportunity to teach our children that parents can still respect and love each other even though they don’t live together anymore.
Did your partner neglect you? There is no need to say that to the children. They probably already know. Did your partner betray the marriage vows? Yes, the wound is deep; but to reveal this to the children in order to punish our spouse is a deplorable, small payback. It’s also unloving and deeply harmful to them.
Don’t do it. Not only is this kind of character assault bad for the kids, it is even becoming irrelevant in court (thank God!). When children ask, make a commitment to explain everything in the kindest way. Parents can use their emotional energy to cooperate with each other in coordinating their schedules, being flexible, and helping the kids pursue their dreams. They can release their negative emotions by sharing with friends, exercise, or therapy.
It is critical to recognize our power in helping our children to adjust to a family breakup. Divorce is generally viewed as a negative event in families, and rightly so; because children who go through it can be more susceptible to developing emotional and behavioral problems than children who do not. But a new study by sociologists Paul Amato of the University of Nebraska and Alan Booth of Pennsylvania State University shows that the worst situations for children are actually high-conflict marriages that last, and low-conflict marriages that end in divorce.
It’s easy to say, “I love you”, when the wedding bells are sounding and hopes are high. It takes guts to show love (or at least, respect) to your spouse when the marriage has failed and the pain starts getting spread around. Divorce is an opportunity to teach our children that parents can still respect and love each other even though they don’t live together anymore.
Did your partner neglect you? There is no need to say that to the children. They probably already know. Did your partner betray the marriage vows? Yes, the wound is deep; but to reveal this to the children in order to punish our spouse is a deplorable, small payback. It’s also unloving and deeply harmful to them.
Don’t do it. Not only is this kind of character assault bad for the kids, it is even becoming irrelevant in court (thank God!). When children ask, make a commitment to explain everything in the kindest way. Parents can use their emotional energy to cooperate with each other in coordinating their schedules, being flexible, and helping the kids pursue their dreams. They can release their negative emotions by sharing with friends, exercise, or therapy.
It is critical to recognize our power in helping our children to adjust to a family breakup. Divorce is generally viewed as a negative event in families, and rightly so; because children who go through it can be more susceptible to developing emotional and behavioral problems than children who do not. But a new study by sociologists Paul Amato of the University of Nebraska and Alan Booth of Pennsylvania State University shows that the worst situations for children are actually high-conflict marriages that last, and low-conflict marriages that end in divorce.
Research also shows that three quarters of children and adults who go through divorce do not experience long-term emotional problems. In many instances, divorce even leads to an improved life. Simply by becoming aware of the ways divorce can impact children, parents can decrease, and even prevent, some of the negative consequences of divorce.
It’s well established that educational programs can help parents understand their children and communicate with them about issues related to divorce. One such program is Parents Forever, an educational program for families in transition due to divorce. This program was designed to help parents stop fighting in front of their own children, keep the children out of parent issues, provide access to both parents, and put the best interests of the children first. (For more information, visit http://www.extension.umn.edu/parentsforever/.)
Divorce can be the catalyst for an extraordinary life. That’s why the best educational programs for divorce issues emphasize the positive impact of the process in helping families turn a page. Even when there is infidelity, the truth about divorce is that there is no villain and there is no victim. In a way, demonizing the other is just a way of avoiding responsibility for our own role in the breakdown of the relationship. The more likely fact is that there were two people who tried, and who couldn’t make it together. Accepting this reality frees us to learn the lessons we need to learn and move on. If we remain stuck in the “blame game” we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes.
Children of divorce do experience trauma; but that doesn't mean they're doomed. Nearly 80 percent of children of divorced parents don't suffer long-term damage. The key?
Divorce can be the catalyst for an extraordinary life. That’s why the best educational programs for divorce issues emphasize the positive impact of the process in helping families turn a page. Even when there is infidelity, the truth about divorce is that there is no villain and there is no victim. In a way, demonizing the other is just a way of avoiding responsibility for our own role in the breakdown of the relationship. The more likely fact is that there were two people who tried, and who couldn’t make it together. Accepting this reality frees us to learn the lessons we need to learn and move on. If we remain stuck in the “blame game” we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes.
Children of divorce do experience trauma; but that doesn't mean they're doomed. Nearly 80 percent of children of divorced parents don't suffer long-term damage. The key?
"Can you get up in the morning and make breakfast?”, asks Robert Hughes, psychologist and professor of human development at the University of Missouri, “"Can you go to work? If you can recover quickly and get back on your feet and become parents again, the kids will be OK," Hughes says.
Isn’t that more important than the short term payoff from speaking ill of the other party? Let the kids draw their own conclusions. Character is destiny, and the process, plus time, reveals who we are to ourselves, and to those closest to us. For now, it’s best to concentrate on getting through the legal proceedings with the least emotional damage to the family, and look forward to the next phase of your lives. Whether you know it or not, all is well, and you are safe.
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