Happy Birthday to Me, and Other Important Topics

Today is my birthday. I am 54 years old, and it's a great day to be alive! I am so grateful for all of the many blessings in my life, and I look forward to part two of my life's journey.

One of the great parts of living longer is the helpful lessons you pick up along the way. It makes life so much easier! I find that I am constantly learning and if I pay attention, I learn something new everyday. Sometimes, I even remember it.

4 days ago, I was sick. Nothing life-threatening, but I was suddenly overcome with chest congestion, coughing, and something that turned my voice into Donald Duck. Ordinarily, I have an aversion to doctors and especially emergency rooms. I'd rather die at home than sit in a waiting room for 3-5 hours! Usually I would just wait something like this out, and it would take two weeks before I was back to my old self.

This time, I decided I didn't have time to be feeling sick for that long. But what to do? I have no "regular" doctor since I'm generally in the pink of health. Where to go? NOT, god forbid, an emergency room!

My daughter, Alexis, told me about a place she went to called Northville Urgent Care in Northville, MI (248-254-0665). She said everyone there was very nice and it only cost a $40 co-pay (not the exorbitant fee usually charged at emergency rooms). Most important, she said she didn't have to wait at all, and they were open until 9 p.m.

That did it for me! My son, Alex, drove me there that night and sure enough, we got right in. The doctor gave me a chest x-ray, said I had acute bronchitis and laryngitis, and gave me a "Z Pack." I started feeling better the next day, and today, 3 days later, I am going to do a weights workout with my trainer. Wow! It's like a miracle.

This result lead me to reflect about other negative things in my life that I put off dealing with. I wasted a lot of my energy, worrying about them. But they never went away. And worrying never changes the problem, one iota. In fact, it makes it worse.

I saw that once again, Life has brought me the lesson that the quickest way to dissolve a problem is to nip it in the bud. As I write this, a physical example comes to mind. Between my neighbor's and my property, there was a tiny tree shoot that came up some years ago. At first, I would chop it short when I was out doing my gardening.

But technically it was on his property, so I stopped cutting it. It began to grow and grow and now, five years later, it's a large tree about to run into the electric lines and cause a power failure (a big problem in my tree-filled neighborhood in Michigan). I could have cut it short, or asked my neighbor to pull it out. But I did neither, and now it's an accident out there, waiting to happen.

Putting off dealing with a problem only makes the problem worse. Plus, you waste your precious life energy worrying about it in the meantime. How about you? Do you have any latent tree shoots, growing larger every day? Or toxic situations you are trying to ignore, in hopes they go away? Take a page from my book of Life Experiences, and do the smart thing: Take action now!

Believe in Yourself

When I was recovering from my own divorce and trying to find myself, my daughter Alexis gave me a little plaque from the dollar store with the following poem on it. It may have only cost her $1, but it's been priceless to me. Maybe you will like it, too:

Believe in Yourself

Success is failure turned inside out,

the silver tint of the clouds of doubt.

You can never tell how close you are.

It may be near when it seems so far.

Stick to the fight when you're hardest hit.

It's when things seem worse

that you must not quit!

(by Bradley Tyler)

Remember the Children

“Divorces don’t wreck children’s lives – people do!”
~Vicky Lansky


There's an old lawyer's joke that says criminal lawyers represent bad people at their best, and divorce lawyers represent good people at their worst. Like most humor, it's based on truth.

People who are wonderful, lovable people in general can do the most deplorable things in a divorce. They are in pain, and people express pain in different ways. That's perfectly understandable, and releasing it is the healthiest thing they can do for all concerned.

But they need to keep their children out of it.

Going through a divorce is tough on the parties. But it’s even tougher on the kids. Suddenly thrown into a situation they had no part in creating, kids find themselves in rough waters. The waves are howling; the wind blows, and they look up to see their parents--the captains of the ship—fighting at the helm! It’s very unsettling!

Parents are people, just like everyone else; but to their children, they are like gods. What we teach our children through our actions will shape their relationships for the rest of their lives. Most of us realize this as we try to raise our children the very best we can. But in a divorce, it’s easy to forget what the children are seeing, hearing, and learning from our behavior. The fact that parents begin to live in two different homes can be seen as a tragedy – the “disintegration of the family”- or as abundance: “now you have two peaceful homes instead of one conflict ridden dwelling.” It’s all in how we choose to see and judge the world our minds have created.

As a divorce lawyer, my job is guide my clients through the process of dissolving their marriages so as to minimize the impact to their loved ones, and set them up for success as co-parents with their former mates. Just because Mom and Dad no longer want to live together is no reason for the kids not to love them both. Helping parents see that is the most important challenge divorce lawyers face.

The parent-child relationship is different from the husband-wife relationship. Yet so often when parents split up, they bring the children into the conflict, with disastrous results. The children are encouraged to take sides, to see one parent as the “bad” parent and the other parent as the “victim.” This does not serve our children.

Unlike marriage, most divorces last forever. This can be a good thing. So often people choose to stay together “for the sake of the children,” but is it a service to our children to teach them to stay in relationships which have dissolved into rancor, screaming, or worse? We all tend to recreate as adults what we knew as home when we were kids. If our childhood home was a war zone, then we will tend to recreate the same environment in our homes as adults. Is that what we want to wish on our kids?

Of course not! That’s why parties in divorce need to make a commitment to each other to speak well of each other as much as possible. Children need to know that their parents’ breakup was not their fault; that both parents still love them, and that both parents always be there for them. The best way to establish those principles in the childrens’ minds is for the parents to say so in reference to each other. Promising not to use the children as weapons is nothing hard. It’s just something to decide and do.

It’s easy to say, “I love you”, when the wedding bells are sounding and hopes are high. It takes guts to show love (or at least, respect) to your spouse when the marriage has failed and the pain starts getting spread around. Divorce is an opportunity to teach our children that parents can still respect and love each other even though they don’t live together anymore.

Did your partner neglect you? There is no need to say that to the children. They probably already know. Did your partner betray the marriage vows? Yes, the wound is deep; but to reveal this to the children in order to punish our spouse is a deplorable, small payback. It’s also unloving and deeply harmful to them.

Don’t do it. Not only is this kind of character assault bad for the kids, it is even becoming irrelevant in court (thank God!). When children ask, make a commitment to explain everything in the kindest way. Parents can use their emotional energy to cooperate with each other in coordinating their schedules, being flexible, and helping the kids pursue their dreams. They can release their negative emotions by sharing with friends, exercise, or therapy.

It is critical to recognize our power in helping our children to adjust to a family breakup. Divorce is generally viewed as a negative event in families, and rightly so; because children who go through it can be more susceptible to developing emotional and behavioral problems than children who do not. But a new study by sociologists Paul Amato of the University of Nebraska and Alan Booth of Pennsylvania State University shows that the worst situations for children are actually high-conflict marriages that last, and low-conflict marriages that end in divorce.

Research also shows that three quarters of children and adults who go through divorce do not experience long-term emotional problems. In many instances, divorce even leads to an improved life. Simply by becoming aware of the ways divorce can impact children, parents can decrease, and even prevent, some of the negative consequences of divorce.

It’s well established that educational programs can help parents understand their children and communicate with them about issues related to divorce. One such program is Parents Forever, an educational program for families in transition due to divorce. This program was designed to help parents stop fighting in front of their own children, keep the children out of parent issues, provide access to both parents, and put the best interests of the children first. (For more information, visit http://www.extension.umn.edu/parentsforever/.)

Divorce can be the catalyst for an extraordinary life. That’s why the best educational programs for divorce issues emphasize the positive impact of the process in helping families turn a page. Even when there is infidelity, the truth about divorce is that there is no villain and there is no victim. In a way, demonizing the other is just a way of avoiding responsibility for our own role in the breakdown of the relationship. The more likely fact is that there were two people who tried, and who couldn’t make it together. Accepting this reality frees us to learn the lessons we need to learn and move on. If we remain stuck in the “blame game” we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes.

Children of divorce do experience trauma; but that doesn't mean they're doomed. Nearly 80 percent of children of divorced parents don't suffer long-term damage. The key?

"Can you get up in the morning and make breakfast?”, asks Robert Hughes, psychologist and professor of human development at the University of Missouri, “"Can you go to work? If you can recover quickly and get back on your feet and become parents again, the kids will be OK," Hughes says.

Isn’t that more important than the short term payoff from speaking ill of the other party? Let the kids draw their own conclusions. Character is destiny, and the process, plus time, reveals who we are to ourselves, and to those closest to us. For now, it’s best to concentrate on getting through the legal proceedings with the least emotional damage to the family, and look forward to the next phase of your lives. Whether you know it or not, all is well, and you are safe.

What is a 53 Year Old Divorce Lawyer Doing in a Pole Dancing Class?

That's what I asked myself as I spun to the floor with my knees wrapped around the pole. Pole dancing for many conjures up visions of "skanky" dancers slithering around in a smoky bar. But for me, it means that it's Wednesday night at Pole Fit Revolution. (http://www.polefitrevolution.com/)

In my class, called Pole Danceology 101, I and other women of all sizes, shapes, and ages have the time of our lives for 90 minutes as we twirl, kick, and spin around the pole. Remember that metal fireman's pole we used to have on the playground as kids? Well, it's much funner than that! Nobody there but us girls, and we all cheer each other on as we work to learn the techniques. We are each better at some than others, but we try everything.

Why in the heck would I think of joining such a class in the first place? I heard about it from my stylist, image consultant extraordinaire Danny Zavala of Azenza Salon and Spa in Birmingham. One of his clients and her friend founded the place very recently, and Danny told me about it and suggested I give it a try. (He's big on promoting others.) I love fitness but I was intimidated by the very thought of the class! I remembered how much trouble I'd had shinnying up that big rope in gym class as a kid, just to make it to the first line in order to pass the class. I worried I'd never have the strength for such an activity.

So for that very reason, I took the class, to step way outside my comfort zone and open my horizons. My expectations were low, so imagine my surprise when I left my first class, feeling exhilarated! I'm no competition for the professionals, but I sure had fun! And that's all that counts, for me.

Life these days is changing at an amazingly fast pace, and we need to be willing to step out of our comfort zone and change with it. Sure, we may end up with a banged up knee or two, but it's better than letting life pass us by. What new challenge can you take on today?

"Your higher self is in direct opposition to your comfort zone." Donald J. Trump

Things That Make You Go Hmmm?

Why do they make those resealable bags with a "cut here" line a micro meter from the resealable part? Doesn't matter what the product is: broccoli, fish, strawberries, or dental floss toothpicks, it's always the same. I "cut here," the bag opens, I use it, and close the bag. Next time around I practically need two pairs of pliers, just to enable me to get a good enough grip on both sides to open the darn bag! What is up with that?

I always wonder if there is something I'm missing, that everybody else knows but I have yet to figure out. I mean, does everyone go through this every time they open a resealable bag? And if they do, why on earth was it designed that way? It's truly one of life's mysteries.

If someone knows the answer to this resealable ordeal, please let me know!

Some People Deserve To Win

I don’t usually go around shamelessly plugging people, but this guy deserves it.

My 24-year-old son has a friend named Marc Harris. A few years ago, Marc signed up for the army and spent the next couple of years in Iraq and Afghanistan. While I was drinking champagne and enjoying life, he was sleeping on a hard board and hoping not to step on land mines. He did a great job serving his country, and with the money he saved up from his pay (there’s not much to spend it on in Afghanistan), he bought a beautiful red sports car.

I think that may be what started his love of detailing, because when he came back last year, he started a car detailing business. The minute I saw his description sheet of the services he provides, I could tell this wasn’t just the Jax Special wash, wax, and vac. He uses things like clay bars, and jars of wax that cost $200. The enthusiasm beams in his face when he shows you the special wax he just bought, or talks about the special techniques he performs that take cars to their highest level of perfection.

I have a 2003 Lexus that I take very good care of, and when Marc first told me about this service, I was only mildly interested. After all, I thought, I get my car detailed at the Lexus dealership. What more could Marc do?

One day, I found out. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so I won’t try to tell you about it, I’ll show you. Check it out: http://www.autopia.org/forum/click-brag/118980-lexus-ls430-rejuvenation.html. I cringed when I saw the “before” pictures, because I always thought my car was the prettiest around. Now I know better. (P.S. Ignore the messy garage. It’s mine.)

I have no idea why Marc would choose a high-end detailing business in an economy where the Big Three are about to become the “Big One.” But I have never seen anything like the work he does. Personally, I think he should talk to the movie studios that are coming in to Michigan. He would make those cars into Stars! If you have a car that you love, know someone who does, or have an “in” with someone in the movie industry, give this man a call. (248) 514-5676 or email him at harrisdetail@gmail.com. Thanks.

5 Ways to Be Happy Now

Like everyone else, this “new economy” has turned all of my preconceived notions upside down. At various times I find myself challenged, scared, confused, and sad. Until last night, I blamed my blues on the cataclysmic events we’ve all gone through in the last six months. I lay in my bed, wishing everything would get right-side up so I could be happy again.

But then my inner self, the observer who watches me go through all of my various gyrations, asked me, “When was the last time you were truly happy?” I thought back through my life; as a child, as a teenager, as a young mother, as a new lawyer. And all I could find were snatches of happiness, here and there. Like when my kids were babies and I would go up in their room to kiss them goodnight. I was happy in that moment, yet unhappy in my marriage. Or when I was spending time with my father in Florida. I was happy to be with him, but worried about my finances. Or when I was off in some foreign country, enjoying an exotic spiritual adventure. I savored the experience, yet felt homesick at the same time. Never once was I consistently “happy” for any period of time. It was always bits and pieces of happiness, sandwiched in between my constant worrying or doubt. It didn’t matter if I was walking around in three thousand dollar suits and diamonds, or wondering how I’d make ends meet, it was always the same. Happiness was a fleeting concept.

So I asked myself, “If you have been on earth more than fifty years and have never been consistently happy, then when would be a good time to start?” And I decided that now would probably be a good time. I can’t wait for the economy to correct itself. I can’t wait to I find out if my latest great idea is going to pan out. Because, like everyone else, I don’t know how much more time I have on this lovely planet we call our home.

Happiness is a decision. We can decide to be happy, even if we’re working out problems in our business, or realizing that our house is “upside down” with no equity. It’s a choice. I believe that a lot of the turmoil we are now experiencing is the result of a mass concentration on fear, making a difficult situation, worse. Can we really be that powerful, that our thoughts are creating the very reality we’re afraid of? I think we can. I think we are created in the nature and likeness of God, and have the power to create with our thoughts in the same way.

And so, if we are to get ourselves out of this fix, we need to become “like little children” and begin doing the simple things that make us feel happy. “Like what?” One may ask. “What can I possibly do to be happy when I have lost my job? (or home, or, fill in the blank)” I don’t know. I can only share the things I do that make me feel happy. Maybe they will work for others.

1. Play: I like to play word games, like Spill’n Spell. I love to color! Some of us like to do puzzles, tell jokes, or swing on the swings. Whatever it is, do it! Don’t worry, the world will keep turning even if we take a few minutes off from stressing about it. (We may even free ourselves to come up with some new ideas.)

2. Watch funny movies: One of my recent favorites is a movie that was in the running for the worst picture of the year; “The Love Guru” starring Mike Meyers. I don’t care who doesn’t like it! I think it’s great. Whatever movies make us smile, remember that laughter is as good for us as an aerobic workout. So all of us who are coach potatoes are actually improving our health by watching a movie that cracks us up. (And by the way, who cares if you’re a coach potato? Do what makes you happy.) That being said, my next suggestion is

3. Dance! It’s almost impossible to feel bad when we are dancing to music we love. Personally, I like to dress up in clothes that shock my children and shake my bootie at Boogie Fever, which plays 70’s and 80’s music. Others may like to slow dance, or tango all by themselves in the privacy of their homes. Whatever it is, do it! Nobody’s opinion matters, except your own.

4. Smile: Remember the song that says, “When you’re smiling, the whole world smiles with you?” It’s true! (And if they don’t, who cares? Smile anyway.) I recently read a wonderful book by Elizabeth Gilbert called “Eat, Pray, Love,” in which an Indonesian medicine man told her to meditate by simply sitting and smiling. “Smile in your liver!” He said. Somehow, when we’re smiling our mind thinks “Wow, I must be happy.” And so it is. Sometimes we really need to take our mind gently by the hand and tell it what to think.

5. Be kind (starting with yourself): I have decided that from now on, I will criticize no one, whether they criticize me, vex me, or anything else they may do. It has finally sunk in that we are all doing the very best we can with the knowledge, information, and awareness that we have. So whether I like what someone else is doing or not, I refuse to criticize them. Or myself. I am sure that I will “fall off the wagon” with this one, but I am going to climb right back on. It’s a much happier way to live!

I hope that we all find some of these suggestions appealing, and worth a try. If they don’t work, I can always refund your misery.

Would You Remove Your Own Gall Blader Because You Read How to Do It on Web MD?

Sounds silly, doesn't it? And it is. It is said to make a point. There is a spectrum of medicine, and at one end it's perfectly wise to handle it yourself. Like putting a bandaid on a cut after cleaning it, or finding out natural ways to deal with the pain of arthritis.

But when it gets down to removing gall bladders, or open heart surgery, you're better off leaving it to the experts.

The same is true in any profession. I remember when I first got divorced. I thought that I couldn't afford to take my old car to a bump shop to get the rust removed and repainted. So I decided to "do it myself" (even though I had absolutely no experience in it). I bought a can of red paint-like material, that was supposed to instantly turn the rust into metal again. Then, all I had to do was reapply the sky blue lacquer paint that was on the car, and I was all set. Right?

Wrong! First of all, the red paint-like material did NOT turn the rust into good metal again. It turned it into rusted metal that was now bright red! Not very subtle on a sky blue car. So I decided I'd just do a little sanding. And I did, by hand, until my fingernails were right down to the quick.

That started what turned out to be a 3 month long ordeal. Me, alone in the garage night after night with a kerosene heater until 3 a.m. Sanding, priming, painting, screwing it up, then sanding, priming, painting, screwing it up...and sanding, priming painting...you get the idea (there is a reason they no longer use lacquer to paint cars!)

Finally, when all else failed I took it to the experts. A collision shop, that sanded, primed, and painted it good as new in a few days. I gained a lot of respect for the trade in those 3 months. And I learned something about leaving it to the experts.

Today, some people who are getting divorced have decided that they can't afford to hire a lawyer. So they are going with the "do-it-yourself" sites online, that prepare documents for you after you answer a list of questions. They work great; if you have no kids, no support questions, and no property.

If you do have any of these, however, they don't work so great. (Think of me with my car. I could have handled a touch up on a scratch or two, but major rust removal...no way!) I was talking to a family court judge this morning, who said that one judge on the family court bench was so fed up with the "pro se's" (people who do their own divorce cases) that he asked to be transferred to the criminal division just to get away from them! Why? Because these people come in with their filled out forms and absolutely no idea of where to go from there. Where to file, how and when to serve the documents, what else is required, what rights they are giving up, even what the terms on those documents mean! And they expect the judge to play "lawyer" for them both and coach them through.

Folks, these judges already have enough on their plate without becoming attorneys to the people who appear before them (and, which side would they represent?) Give this some thought if you are considering filing for divorce. There are less expensive, less stressful ways to end your marriage than hiring two lawyers to "duke it out" in an all-out court battle. (See our website for suggestions.) For goodness sake, with something as important as a relationship you thought would last forever, don't cheat yourself of a proper ending by trying to do it yourself!

Food for Thought

"Be formless, shapeless, like water. You put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle. You put water into a teacup, it becomes the teacup. Water can flow, or it can crash. Water is the softest substance on earth, yet it can wear down the hardest substance. Be water, my friend. Be water."

~Bruce Lee

The other day, a friend sent me a clip of Bruce Lee allegedly playing ping pong with a pair of nunchaku. Being a huge Bruce Lee fan, I started rummaging through the other Bruce Lee clips on Utube and found an interview where he said the above. Amazing thoughts.

In this world where everything we've come to rely on has turned upside down, and we don't know from one day to the next what is going to happen, how can we become like water and go with the flow? There have been some pretty large waves of late. (Dare I say a tsunami?) It's frightening because it's change, massive change, and the ground is crumbling underneath our feet. But what are our options? We can't change the channel. We can't cancel our subscription. If we are alive, we are going through it.

It is time for us to become like the nature of water.

Acres of Diamonds

The other day I was reading an article in Fortune magazine about M&T Bank in Buffalo, New York. In an industry that is reeling more than most, M&T Bank seems to be thriving. Fortune wanted to find out why. Turns out M&T is a big bank that never lost its small town focus. It contributes money to local schools, participates in community events, and pays attention to the payment patterns of its borrowers. When a customer begins paying their mortgage at the end of the month, instead of on the first, a bank employee calls up to check and see if all is well. (It usually isn't.) Often, someone has just lost their job, or suffered some other financial loss. The bank works with them, by changing the payment due date, reducing the interest rate, or even lowering the principal balance, if all else fails. M&T has reduced the redefault rate on its portfolio to 17% of its loans-significantly below the average of 30% to 40% calculated by Hope Now. They've modified 1,169 consumer mortgages, stupendous in comparison with the paltry 752 that Congress' nationwide Hope for Homeowners program has completed since October 2008. Instead of kicking their customers when they are down, they have helped them up. And the results are making M&T shine.

In tough times like these, it's easy to look far off in the distance for greener pastures. But the truth is, even in times like these, we are surrounded by acres of diamonds in our own backyard.

At LADY4JUSTICE, we took a hard look at our practice, and our clients, when the economy plummeted. We realized that tough economic times make marital strife even worse, just at a time when people can't afford expensive court battles and lawyers. Then, we created the Divorce Bailout Package to serve their needs. A failed marriage is never a happy event. But we resolved to make it as stress-free, and peaceful, as we possibly could. We created a package that, for a flat fee, gave couples 6 hours of time with a trained mediator to help them craft their own solutions to questions of custody, support, and property. (The mediator helps facilitate communication, but the couples are the decision makers, not some court.) Once a decision is reached, we then prepare, file, and serve all the legal paperwork for the parties. We even include a one-time court appearance to help the couple state the terms of their judgment in court.

The result? So far, some clients have called it a "godsend," while others say it is a "lifesaver." Best of all, by eliminating the whole unhappy court process, there are no bitter memories of court battles to keep the couple from working together to raise their children. The children don't have to deal with their parents' baggage from months of grueling litigation. By saving clients money, we are achieving what drew me to practice family law in the first place: Helping people turn a traumatic event into an opportunity for an extraordinary life, for the highest good of all concerned. That's what makes it all worthwhile for me!

How about you? Who are the people that you serve, and how can you use the pressure from this ongoing economic crisis to bring out the diamonds in your field?