Speechless

Ten years ago, my son (in ninth grade) signed us up to sponsor a foreign exchange student, because the girl who came to talk to his class about it was cute. He forgot to mention that he had signed me up, and I was blissfully ignorant of the whole thing until the lady from AUSA called me up to ask when I wanted my exchange student to move in.

I had no idea what she was talking about, of course, and as a newly single parent wasn't thrilled with the idea of having another mouth to feed (sponsoring families support the exchange student like one of their own). She was persistent, however, and mentioned that there was a young man from Japan who had come to America, and his sponsor family had fallen through. At the current time, he was sleeping in her basement.

Still unsure of my ability to manage the whole thing, I agreed to welcome Kentaro into my home.

After all, I thought. I am a big martial arts fan, and I'm sure this young man could tell me a lot about the martial arts. And Zen. And computers. When Ken arrived, however, he informed me that he did not know anything about the martial arts, or Zen, or computers. "What do you know about?" I asked. He responded, "Mariah Carey." (As it turns out, he also did know a little something about Zen.)

And so Kentaro joined our family, becoming Alex and Alexis's big brother. He was eager to learn about everything American. He asked me to dye his hair blond. We took him to the mall so he could get piercings. "Good grief," I thought. "His parents are going to be furious!"

But as it turned out, his parents actually came to visit him while he was here, and they were as wonderful as he. They brought us marvelous artifacts from Japan. His mother learned from Kentaro that I had studied the Imperial Villas at Katsura, and the tea ceremonies, in college. She brought me a tea bowl with a whisk, measuring spoon, and tea powder. She performed a tea ceremony for me. She also brought wonderful Japanese incense (the best incense in all the world!) because Ken had shared that I also loved incense. Ken's father brought me books on Zen, beautiful Japanese stamps, and yen.

We had so much fun with Ken. Back then, I used to make each of the kids responsible for dinner one night a week. I still remember the all-seaweed dinner Kentaro made for us; every dish, including desert, made of seaweed! I loved it. He joined us on a trip to Florida, and on his own made all the arrangements to attend the high school prom with classmates, in a big Jeep stretch limo. He left no stone unturned in trying things American. He taught me things I didn't know about my own home! (Like the fact that we have terrible mass transit, due to our being "Motown" and the car companies wanting to "encourage" us to buy cars instead of riding a subway like the bullet train in Japan.) On my birthday, Kentaro made me three tiny, beautiful origami sculptures that I have kept on my dresser ever since.

When Ken returned home at the end of the year, his parents wrote and invited my entire family to Japan. They said, "All you have to do is get here. We will take care of the rest." I thanked them, planned to come, and never did. Having Kentaro stay with us was a wonderful experience in itself, and one for which I needed no repayment.

However, this Christmas, instead of only his Mom sending a card, I got one from Ken himself. He said, "I am 27 years old now. It's been 10 years since I was in America and it's high time you came to Japan." Wow. Ten years! How time has flown.

I agreed with Ken: it is high time I came to Japan. I made my reservations for late March, when Ken said the cherry blossoms were in bloom, and planned to stay for two weeks.

That's all Ken and his family needed to hear. While I was pondering which hotel I should book, it seems they immediately went into action to plan the whole itinerary for my entire stay. Ken scheduled a whole week off work to spend time with me, and he asked me what things I wanted to see. He and his father, remembering what a huge Bruce Lee fan I am, suggested I might want to fly to Hong Kong while I am there. What a great idea! After all, when will I be in Japan again?

And tonight, I got an email from Ken. He said they were trying to get a reservation for me at the Imperial Villa, and needed my date of birth. I wrote back with the information, saying "I have no idea what the Imperial Villa is, but thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your efforts." Then I googled the Imperial Villa. (See picture above.)

Oh yes. The Imperial Villa at Katsura, the one I studied in college way back in the '80's. The one I always admired so much that I chose furniture for my home that mirrored the beauty of its natural wood and bamboo style. It brought tears to my eyes to think of this kind and loving family living across the world from me, ten years after they ever set eyes on me...remembering the things I love. I am so blessed to live in this wonderful world. Thank you, Kentaro, Fumi, Mari, and Yoshimasa. Words cannot express how good you make me feel.

Help For Haiti

I am in New Jersey this weekend, attending a business seminar. As usual when I am out of town, I got up early to work out in the fitness room. As I pulled the handles of the eliptical machine and checked my heart rate, I listened to the news about Haiti, and learned a lot I hadn't known before.

It seems that Haiti is a very young country, with the average age there being 25. I don't know whether that is because life is so hard there most people don't make it much past that age or not, but that's what the newscaster said. They also showed a Google Earth picture of Port au Prince, before and after the 7.0 earthquake. One minute you could see it, and the next...gone.

Secretary of State Clinton was there, talking about the need for a plan to rebuild Haiti. She said the structures there really weren't so great before, and plans for rebuilding should include more than just trying to patch up the old buildings. Rather, a complete rennovation is needed.

Military helicopters are bringing in supplies to the earthquake victims, but their large size is stirring up all the rubble in the areas where it is clear enough to land, making it a very dangerous situation for both pilots and those on the ground waiting for help. It seems smaller helicopters wouldn't stir up the air as much, but they simply can't carry the massive amount of supplies that are needed.

Here in New Jersey, I read about school children holding fundraisers in order to send money to help the earthquake victims. In fact, everywhere I look, I see people concerned about the Haitian plight. It makes me realize just how small our planet really is, and how interconnected we all are.

Recently, I have grieved the loss of several family members. I tried to imagine what it must be like for the Haitians, with the massive devastation everywhere, but I couldn't. It's just too much. Amazingly though, the newscasters said that people there are praising, not blaming, God. That is incomprehensible to me. They must have very loving souls.

In this day and age, there is no room for remaining separate from the rest of the world, and that's a good thing. The more love we give, the more we have to give, and the more we will receive. Life isn't about win-lose anymore. Now is the time for win-win. Or it will be lose-lose for all of us.

As I listened to the sheer numbers of what is needed (supplies, medical assistance, and so forth), I really wondered what one person could possibly do to make a difference. Then I thought of the schoolchildren in Jersey (and elsewhere, no doubt), having a bake sale to earn money to send to people they've never met. If we all do something, it will be enough.

There are many places taking donations for the people in Haiti, so I won't list them here. You can find them just as easily yourself. But please take the time to help, in whatever way works for you. Life is too short to spend it thinking only of ourselves.

At long last...love!

Yes, I'm in love. With a new website I've found, called My Brain Trainer (http://www.mybraintrainer.com/). Finally, a site that lets us 50-somethings give our brains a good workout! Called the World's First Virtual Mental Gymnasium, My Brain Trainer lets you see how old your brain is (not trying to brag, but mine's 21), and for a very minimal fee allows you to embark on a 21-day brain improvement program. Well, actually 90 days of access to a multitude of brain improvement tools for a measly $9.95.

I learned of this wonderful site from my friend, Karen Serenity. She passed on an email that told about different things people were trying to stay sharp as they moved into their power years. I checked them out (everything from vitamins, to CD's designed to synchronize the brain's hemispheres) and saw that this site, My Brain Trainer, was one of the ways that really worked.

And it doesn't just work for the more mature among us! Someone in the 30-39 bracket wrote in to say they were now a systems engineer despite "never finding time" to finish their research paper, after signing on to My Brain Trainer and learning to better concentrate.

On this site, you can either do the 21 day training program (my choice), or select a specific area, such as memory, executive function, or inspection time. There are LSAT exercise groups on the site, among others. For me, my morning is not complete without my brain quiz to find out how old my brain is today.

The site boasts that not only has it been found to improve memory and concentration, it also helps to relieve anxiety and reduce feelings of stress. Frankly, I quite agree. What more can you ask of a new love than to stimulate you, support you, improve your mental capacity, and help you lose the blues? Try it; you'll like it!

It's Complicated

Today my daughter Alexis told me about a new movie she had just seen, called "It's Complicated." It was about a couple who had gotten divorced ten years earlier, who fell back in love with each other. She said that the grown children, at the end, began bawling because they were so upset that their parents had re-united. They said, "We're still trying to get over the last breakup." Sounds complicated, all right. The good thing in my opinion, is that the movie addressed a real life situation. In my experience as a divorce lawyer, spouses sometimes do get back together once they have moved on, tried someone else, and realized it's not all it's cracked up to be. And children are always upset when their parents split up, no matter how old they are.

Over the holiday I watched "Four Christmases" with Reese Witherspoon and Vince Bond. It was about a couple who diligently avoids marriage...and their divorced parents over the holiday. When bad weather grounds them from their usual holiday get-away, their families learn that they are in town. Then the couple is "stuck" visiting four groups (each one's parents and significant others). The movie was funny, but what I liked best about it was that it reflected what is reality for most people in America.

The days of Ozzie and Harriet are gone, and more often then not, divorced and blended families (two divorced people who marry each other and try to "blend" their existing families) are the reality. It's great to see current entertainment reflecting this, helping us learn how to cope with the way things are now.

Tiger Woods - A Textbook Case of Why Not to Text

Posted on 11 December 2009 on Texas Divorce Lawyer Ashley Russell's blog:

Recent media coverage of the Tiger Woods scandal illustrates the speed with which a text message can go from a seemingly “private” communication, for the intended recipient’s eyes only, to Wednesday’s Access Hollywood, David Letterman's Top 10 Tiger Woods Texts List on Thursday , and just about every celebrity gossip website and magazine out there. While Woods’ extramarital affairs would no doubt be at the center of a media frenzy regardless, the text messages provided by Woods’ lovers provides concrete evidence supporting what might otherwise just be speculation. With the text messages circulating the web, delving into the depths of what Woods mistakenly believed to be private communications can be as easy as typing “Tiger Woods text messages” into Google. Various verbatim exchanges between Woods and his alleged paramours are open to the public to read and analyze at their leisure. Unfortunately for Woods, text message exchanges with the subjects of his extramarital affairs are also accessible to his wife, and to the attorney she hires in the event of a divorce.

While it might not make the late night talk shows or celebrity gossip sites, texting frequently leads to big trouble for people who are not Tiger Woods. A text message with a paramour can reveal an extramarital affair to the unsuspecting spouse who accidently comes across it, or confirm the suspicions of a suspecting spouse who looks through their cheating spouse’s phone. After a divorce is filed, text messages provide powerful and often embarrassing evidence of infidelity by the cheating spouse during the marriage.

In today’s world it is easy to be seduced by the ease and immediacy of text messaging. Texting can be particularly appealing to those involved in extramarital affairs due to the illusion of privacy this method of communication offers. People text things that they may not feel comfortable saying in person or over the phone (for example, “sexting”). But they often don’t realize the extent to which text messages are accessible by people other than the intended recipient. Texting, like e-mail, credit cards, and phone bills, leaves a trail. Telephone companies keep records that can be subpoenaed and used as evidence of infidelity in a divorce proceeding. Also, there is nothing to prevent a scorned or opportunistic lover from saving the messages, sending them to the cheating spouse’s husband or wife, or in Wood’s case, leaking them to popular media outlets for publication.

For the cheating spouse, the moral of Wood’s texting indiscretions is that texting can spell big trouble for you, in your marriage and in your divorce. For the spouse who is cheated on and his or her attorney, use the cheater’s texting troubles to your advantage as great evidence for your adultery claim.

Expect the Unexpected: A Divorce Scenario for Men

Okay men, let me talk to you this time. The scenario is the same, you have fallen out-of-love over time and there may or may not be an external factor, such as a new woman in your life. You have become “The unhappily married man” that you always said you would never be.

She was the love of your life at one time, which is why you asked her to marry you and also the reason you two had a family together, but things have changed over the years including your feelings for her. Maybe you feel like she takes you for granted, that she doesn’t appreciate the great provider that you have been to the family; maybe you don’t feel like she has been supportive enough of your profession or job because she has been focusing on her own; maybe you feel rejected because she seldom wants to have sex ~ and your relationship is, well, not really much of a relationship anymore. There are many reasons why you could have fallen out of love and you just can’t live this way anymore. You need to feel needed; you are a man, and it is truly your nature to feel this way, and you can’t remember the last time that she really needed you. So, with great thought and some internal emotional struggles about your family and finances, you have decided you are going to ask her for a divorce.

At this point, you need to be fully aware that although you think you know your wife better than anyone in the world, and that you have seen the worst and the best sides of her, you may not have seen it all. Although you have witnessed her throw titanic fits and you have seen her go through emotions that you, to this very day still do not understand, and you think that you are prepared to have this “discussion” with her ~ listen carefully: NO YOU ARE NOT!

Now, let’s break this down and give it some life.

You begin by telling her that you love her, that you always have and that you always will.

Stop right there: Before you finish this sentence, maybe even before you even asked her to come and talk with you, she knew something was up ~ remember that old saying about a woman’s intuition…it is very true most of the time.

You continue to speak as she sits there nervously waiting on your next words (you need to know, that she has a good idea of what you are going to say next and her emotions are building quickly). Then you say it, “I’m not happy.” This is where your carefully thought-out plan to break the news to her ends ~ so do not be surprised…be prepared.

Here is a good scenario. Immediately, she becomes enraged and demands to know who the “other” woman is. When you tell her there is no other woman, you instantly become a lying, no-good, cheating bastard.

Men, try to remember to remain calm, as hard as that may be; she is trying to process what you have just said to her and she is searching for a reason that makes sense of it all. The best thing you can do is listen to her, let her vent, assure her there is no other woman and bite your tongue when you want to lash back out at her. This is a critical moment. It is the beginning of the end, so focus and try very hard to remain a level head in the situation. This moment will set the tone for the way the rest of the end will play out.

Her anger will eventually calm and turn into sadness and hurt, and I am sure you will see many tears fall: From here, it’s anyone’s guess what will happen next. This is where it really depends on the two people, the type of relationship that you have had, the maturity level of you both and the way that she processes confusion, hurt, anger, fear and sadness (by the way, even though this was your idea, and you might not think so right now, you too will likely experience all of this yourself). All of these emotions will be felt by her, almost simultaneously. It is truly comparable to losing someone to death and people tend to deal with it the same way initially. Think about it: the person that you love is making the choice to move on in life without you. That is a hard, hard thing to deal with.

You must be prepared and not be naïve thinking she is going to understand and this will be an easy process. Losing your life, your husband, everything you have known is terrifying and the initial shock of it all is more than anyone can process at one time. Expect to hear hurtful, ego deflating things and don’t take it to heart; put some oil on your feathers and let it roll off like water. She is hurt and you are the direct cause of her pain so naturally she is going to want to hurt you, too.

She is also going to look for reasons why you don’t love her anymore, and you may even do some soul searching yourself. Many times we don’t understand why our feelings have changed.

Understanding the emotional impact on her will help you get through this time. Think about how she is going to feel. Put yourself on the receiving end of this unexpected news: Doing this will help you to empathize with her and hopefully give you the strength you will need as you go through this process.

Divorce does not have to be the end of a relationship, it can be a transformation. Having a good family law attorney is crucial and will increase the odds of having a happy ending as opposed to a nightmare. An attorney who is trained in mediation has the tools needed to help you through the struggles you will most certainly encounter. So be judicious in your choice ~ this choice is the rest of your life.

Good Luck.

What Did You Expect, Roses? A Divorce Scenario for Women

It's been an okay marriage, but you're just not happy. You love him. He is after all the Father of your children, and has been your best friend for many years. You just don't want to be with him anymore. Why? Maybe you think you are missing out on something in the world. Maybe your life has become stagnant and you want a change, something new and exciting. It could just be that the romance is gone and you really want to feel loved again. He doesn't look at you like he once did, his kisses aren't passionate anymore, the lovemaking is dull and predictable (if it even exists at all), and the excitement you once felt when he grabbed you and held you tight is all but gone...so you decide you want a divorce.

You're sure that he will understand. After all, he must be as unhappy as you are. Day in and day out you do the same things, go through the same routine, and you both need a change. You have given this a lot of thought, and you are sure that it will be a simple, uncontested, mutual parting of the ways. And in the end you will remain great friends and be wonderful parents, probably even better than you are now, because you will both be happier. Caution: Road block ahead!

Let's look at this scenario from his point of view.

You tell him that you are unhappy (he sees fire), that you are bored (he is offended), that you miss the romance (he thinks there is another man), and that you love him but just don't want to be married to him anymore (his world has just crumbled in less than 60 seconds).

Ladies, he is not going to give you roses at this point. In fact, in the very immediate future, he is very likely to hurt you with harsh, angry words. Even if you were right in your analysis that your marriage has become nothing more than a co-habitation of convenience, the fact is that the two of you built a world together, and now it is ending. Going your separate ways means that someone is going to become a part-time parent, and have to find a new place to live ~ and he knows it is usually the man.

Be prepared. He is going to become defensive, accusing, and quick to point out every flaw and shortcoming that you have ever had, and believe me, he knows them all (men keep a mental list too; they just don't pull it out as often). Not only will he name them all, but he will magnify and intensify them. Even though it hurts, try to develop a thick skin and don't react to his anger. The most important person in his world has just rejected him. He's not going to take that in stride. Hurt feelings need time to heal.

Allow him to vent and be angry~he has that right. It is only fair, as you have just told him that he is not the person he believed himself to be all these years. In a sense, his identity has been stolen and he has to figure out why, where, when, and what to do now. Not to mention that you have just bruised his ego in a big way.

This is where a good attorney comes in. You are right; a divorce can be civilized and should be, especially when children are involved. In a case such as this, where one party just is not happy anymore, a civil parting of the ways is certainly possible and infinitely more desirable. In this situation, a good family law attorney can serve you well and respect both of your needs as one-time-lovers transitioning into divorced parents and friends. That's why our motto is, "It started with love, why not end it the same way?"