More and more people are having children outside the marriage relationship these days, for a variety of reasons. Some want to wait until they complete their education, some want to wait until they can afford to pay for the wedding, and so forth. But one thing many people aren't waiting to do, is have a child.I represent lots of single fathers, and every one of them is a great Dad. I've learned a lot from their experiences. And just as Joseph Campbell said there were different hero archetypes, so there are different mother (and father, for that matter) archetypes. But single fathers are not afforded the same rights that single mothers get automatically, such as legal and physical custody. Instead, they get the right to pay child support. Single fathers aren't even given the rights customarily awarded to married dads, like joint legal custody. Given this huge bias in favor of the mother as a better parent, solely by virtue of the fact that she gave birth to the child, you must protect yourself from the start or you will be paying, in more ways than one, until your child becomes an adult.
The mother of your child may be a wonderful person, and I hope that she is. Especially after she has given birth to your child, you are likely to feel warm and loving towards her, and trust her completely. Nevertheless, single Dads, I urge you to GET IT IN WRITING! (Note: I am not a person who generally writes in all caps, because it sounds like screaming. Here, however, I am doing it to stress the importance of the information I am sharing.)
PARENTING TIME: YOUR CHILD NEEDS YOU
Example: The mother files a child support case after the child is born, and the two of you go to court so the Friend of the Court can look at your paystubs and determine support. The mother says she wants the Judgment to say she has sole legal, or maybe even joint legal custody, with sole physical custody to her. She gets all the overnights, and you get "reasonable parenting time." She says, "Don't worry, baby. You can see him (or her) anytime you want." You persist, and the Friend of the Court specialist who is helping you says they are going to put down what the mother wants, since the two of you don't agree. STOP RIGHT THERE, AND INSIST ON A HEARING. Don't take the easy way out and go along, thinking you can trust the mom. The easy way becomes hard, and the hard way becomes easy.
If you allow them to put it in the way she wants, then for example under the Wayne County Co-Parenting Plan (which is mandatory where the Order states "reasonable parenting time"), you are NOT ALLOWED ONE SINGLE OVERNIGHT until the child is one year old. No holidays, no vacations. Just two contacts of 2 hours each and one 6 hour contact per week. When the child is one year old, you will get two (yes, 2) overnights per MONTH, along with some holidays. It is not until the child is 3 years old that you will get what most married Dads get as a minimum, automatically; every other weekend (4 overnights per month), and one weekday overnight on alternate weeks.
Why would the courts deprive you of a close relationship with your child in this way? According to the Plan (which spells out the general view of most courts in terms of single fathers' parenting time), "The age of a child is an important issue in determining the frequency and duration of parenting time. Earlier in a child's development, the child will need more frequent contact with each parent (read "father" here) but the duration of the contact should be shorter. As a child becomes older, the contact may become less frequent but of greater duration." I read that as saying, "The child needs his mother but he doesn't need you." This is absolute hogwash. The Plan provides no scholarly support for this contention.
However, most psychological studies show that a human being's personality is primarily formed in the first 3 years of life. So, how much influence will you be having with your child in his formative years? Answer - not much. I truly believe this bias is based, not on the best interest of the child, but on a bias in favor of marriage. Simply put, it penalizes fathers for not marrying the mother.
I once did a paternity case that demonstrates this. My client, the father, did 95% of the infant care for the parties' son for the first 18 months of his life, while they lived together. The mother was younger than he, was still into partying, and very irresponsible. She didn't work; he worked full time running a business. Yet he still took the child to all of his doctor's visits, fed him, bathed him, dressed him, and often took him to work because she didn't feel like getting up. Yet when the relationship broke down, she took off with the child, and all we could do was file a case. He could not call the police and make her return the child, because he had NO RIGHTS. We asked for joint custody, and interim parenting time.
I explained all these facts to the judge, telling her how much my client loved his son, and missed him. She looked at me and said, "If he loves his son so much, he should have married the mother." She dismissed the obvious proof that my client was the more responsible parent. Happily, my client eventually got sole legal and physical custody, and his son is now happy and safe with him. The mother has supervised parenting time. But he went through a year of courtroom hell, expense, and a trial, in a case that would have been a slam-dunk if he were the mother. Some men go through even worse to get only incremental increases in custody, subject to the accusations of the mother, who is presumed to be the better parent.
To be sure, there are an increasing number of judges who recognize the importance of a father in their child's life. But the bias in favor of the mother is built into the system so deeply that if you don't insist on joint legal and physical custody from the start, you will be at her mercy for the rest of the case. If your girlfriend is a good mother, she will agree to put it in writing. If she doesn't agree, then beware. She may later use access to the child to control you, deny it to punish you, and marginalize your place in the child's life until you are little more than an ATM for her benefit. If I sound a bit extreme, I can assure you my advice is based upon what I have seen. Contrary to what courts seem to believe, just because a woman gives birth does not make her a good parent.
CHILD SUPPORT: DON'T PAY TWICE!
Example: Your girlfriend gives birth to your daughter in the hospital. You give her money for the cost of her expenses. Of course you don't ask for a receipt. She's your girl, and the mother of your child! Later, you break up and she files a child support case, asking for confinement expenses (i.e., costs of giving birth). You go to court and protest that you've already paid it. The court asks for a receipt, and you don't have one. The mother denies that you paid. You end up paying again.
Example: Your child is born, everything seems fine. You and the mom are still together and you give her money to cover your son's expenses. This goes on for awhile, then one day you get in a fight. She goes to court asking for child support, and you respond that you give her money all the time for your son. The court asks for receipts, and you have none. They ask if she will acknowledge that you paid her any child support, and she says "No." You get no credit for what you paid, and you pay again.
This is pretty straightforward. If you give the mom any money for the child, or her confinement expenses, do it by check and write what it is for in the memo section. (A receipt signed by the mother is best, but this may feel weird when you are getting along. You may feel silly asking for one.) The cancelled check is at least proof that you paid the mother for this, and arguably her cashing it with that comment in the memo section should be enough. But sometimes it isn't, so even if you do feel silly, ask the mother to sign a receipt. Tell her you want to keep it for your records, just so everything is clear. If she resists, be on guard. She may have bad motives for doing so.
Men who are single Dads, please take these comments to heart and follow them to the letter. You will save yourself thousands of dollars, and untold emotional pain and stress. Best of all, you will protect your child's right to grow up with a father. You have no idea how important you are to your child.
