Tiger Woods - A Textbook Case of Why Not to Text

Posted on 11 December 2009 on Texas Divorce Lawyer Ashley Russell's blog:

Recent media coverage of the Tiger Woods scandal illustrates the speed with which a text message can go from a seemingly “private” communication, for the intended recipient’s eyes only, to Wednesday’s Access Hollywood, David Letterman's Top 10 Tiger Woods Texts List on Thursday , and just about every celebrity gossip website and magazine out there. While Woods’ extramarital affairs would no doubt be at the center of a media frenzy regardless, the text messages provided by Woods’ lovers provides concrete evidence supporting what might otherwise just be speculation. With the text messages circulating the web, delving into the depths of what Woods mistakenly believed to be private communications can be as easy as typing “Tiger Woods text messages” into Google. Various verbatim exchanges between Woods and his alleged paramours are open to the public to read and analyze at their leisure. Unfortunately for Woods, text message exchanges with the subjects of his extramarital affairs are also accessible to his wife, and to the attorney she hires in the event of a divorce.

While it might not make the late night talk shows or celebrity gossip sites, texting frequently leads to big trouble for people who are not Tiger Woods. A text message with a paramour can reveal an extramarital affair to the unsuspecting spouse who accidently comes across it, or confirm the suspicions of a suspecting spouse who looks through their cheating spouse’s phone. After a divorce is filed, text messages provide powerful and often embarrassing evidence of infidelity by the cheating spouse during the marriage.

In today’s world it is easy to be seduced by the ease and immediacy of text messaging. Texting can be particularly appealing to those involved in extramarital affairs due to the illusion of privacy this method of communication offers. People text things that they may not feel comfortable saying in person or over the phone (for example, “sexting”). But they often don’t realize the extent to which text messages are accessible by people other than the intended recipient. Texting, like e-mail, credit cards, and phone bills, leaves a trail. Telephone companies keep records that can be subpoenaed and used as evidence of infidelity in a divorce proceeding. Also, there is nothing to prevent a scorned or opportunistic lover from saving the messages, sending them to the cheating spouse’s husband or wife, or in Wood’s case, leaking them to popular media outlets for publication.

For the cheating spouse, the moral of Wood’s texting indiscretions is that texting can spell big trouble for you, in your marriage and in your divorce. For the spouse who is cheated on and his or her attorney, use the cheater’s texting troubles to your advantage as great evidence for your adultery claim.

Expect the Unexpected: A Divorce Scenario for Men

Okay men, let me talk to you this time. The scenario is the same, you have fallen out-of-love over time and there may or may not be an external factor, such as a new woman in your life. You have become “The unhappily married man” that you always said you would never be.

She was the love of your life at one time, which is why you asked her to marry you and also the reason you two had a family together, but things have changed over the years including your feelings for her. Maybe you feel like she takes you for granted, that she doesn’t appreciate the great provider that you have been to the family; maybe you don’t feel like she has been supportive enough of your profession or job because she has been focusing on her own; maybe you feel rejected because she seldom wants to have sex ~ and your relationship is, well, not really much of a relationship anymore. There are many reasons why you could have fallen out of love and you just can’t live this way anymore. You need to feel needed; you are a man, and it is truly your nature to feel this way, and you can’t remember the last time that she really needed you. So, with great thought and some internal emotional struggles about your family and finances, you have decided you are going to ask her for a divorce.

At this point, you need to be fully aware that although you think you know your wife better than anyone in the world, and that you have seen the worst and the best sides of her, you may not have seen it all. Although you have witnessed her throw titanic fits and you have seen her go through emotions that you, to this very day still do not understand, and you think that you are prepared to have this “discussion” with her ~ listen carefully: NO YOU ARE NOT!

Now, let’s break this down and give it some life.

You begin by telling her that you love her, that you always have and that you always will.

Stop right there: Before you finish this sentence, maybe even before you even asked her to come and talk with you, she knew something was up ~ remember that old saying about a woman’s intuition…it is very true most of the time.

You continue to speak as she sits there nervously waiting on your next words (you need to know, that she has a good idea of what you are going to say next and her emotions are building quickly). Then you say it, “I’m not happy.” This is where your carefully thought-out plan to break the news to her ends ~ so do not be surprised…be prepared.

Here is a good scenario. Immediately, she becomes enraged and demands to know who the “other” woman is. When you tell her there is no other woman, you instantly become a lying, no-good, cheating bastard.

Men, try to remember to remain calm, as hard as that may be; she is trying to process what you have just said to her and she is searching for a reason that makes sense of it all. The best thing you can do is listen to her, let her vent, assure her there is no other woman and bite your tongue when you want to lash back out at her. This is a critical moment. It is the beginning of the end, so focus and try very hard to remain a level head in the situation. This moment will set the tone for the way the rest of the end will play out.

Her anger will eventually calm and turn into sadness and hurt, and I am sure you will see many tears fall: From here, it’s anyone’s guess what will happen next. This is where it really depends on the two people, the type of relationship that you have had, the maturity level of you both and the way that she processes confusion, hurt, anger, fear and sadness (by the way, even though this was your idea, and you might not think so right now, you too will likely experience all of this yourself). All of these emotions will be felt by her, almost simultaneously. It is truly comparable to losing someone to death and people tend to deal with it the same way initially. Think about it: the person that you love is making the choice to move on in life without you. That is a hard, hard thing to deal with.

You must be prepared and not be naïve thinking she is going to understand and this will be an easy process. Losing your life, your husband, everything you have known is terrifying and the initial shock of it all is more than anyone can process at one time. Expect to hear hurtful, ego deflating things and don’t take it to heart; put some oil on your feathers and let it roll off like water. She is hurt and you are the direct cause of her pain so naturally she is going to want to hurt you, too.

She is also going to look for reasons why you don’t love her anymore, and you may even do some soul searching yourself. Many times we don’t understand why our feelings have changed.

Understanding the emotional impact on her will help you get through this time. Think about how she is going to feel. Put yourself on the receiving end of this unexpected news: Doing this will help you to empathize with her and hopefully give you the strength you will need as you go through this process.

Divorce does not have to be the end of a relationship, it can be a transformation. Having a good family law attorney is crucial and will increase the odds of having a happy ending as opposed to a nightmare. An attorney who is trained in mediation has the tools needed to help you through the struggles you will most certainly encounter. So be judicious in your choice ~ this choice is the rest of your life.

Good Luck.

What Did You Expect, Roses? A Divorce Scenario for Women

It's been an okay marriage, but you're just not happy. You love him. He is after all the Father of your children, and has been your best friend for many years. You just don't want to be with him anymore. Why? Maybe you think you are missing out on something in the world. Maybe your life has become stagnant and you want a change, something new and exciting. It could just be that the romance is gone and you really want to feel loved again. He doesn't look at you like he once did, his kisses aren't passionate anymore, the lovemaking is dull and predictable (if it even exists at all), and the excitement you once felt when he grabbed you and held you tight is all but gone...so you decide you want a divorce.

You're sure that he will understand. After all, he must be as unhappy as you are. Day in and day out you do the same things, go through the same routine, and you both need a change. You have given this a lot of thought, and you are sure that it will be a simple, uncontested, mutual parting of the ways. And in the end you will remain great friends and be wonderful parents, probably even better than you are now, because you will both be happier. Caution: Road block ahead!

Let's look at this scenario from his point of view.

You tell him that you are unhappy (he sees fire), that you are bored (he is offended), that you miss the romance (he thinks there is another man), and that you love him but just don't want to be married to him anymore (his world has just crumbled in less than 60 seconds).

Ladies, he is not going to give you roses at this point. In fact, in the very immediate future, he is very likely to hurt you with harsh, angry words. Even if you were right in your analysis that your marriage has become nothing more than a co-habitation of convenience, the fact is that the two of you built a world together, and now it is ending. Going your separate ways means that someone is going to become a part-time parent, and have to find a new place to live ~ and he knows it is usually the man.

Be prepared. He is going to become defensive, accusing, and quick to point out every flaw and shortcoming that you have ever had, and believe me, he knows them all (men keep a mental list too; they just don't pull it out as often). Not only will he name them all, but he will magnify and intensify them. Even though it hurts, try to develop a thick skin and don't react to his anger. The most important person in his world has just rejected him. He's not going to take that in stride. Hurt feelings need time to heal.

Allow him to vent and be angry~he has that right. It is only fair, as you have just told him that he is not the person he believed himself to be all these years. In a sense, his identity has been stolen and he has to figure out why, where, when, and what to do now. Not to mention that you have just bruised his ego in a big way.

This is where a good attorney comes in. You are right; a divorce can be civilized and should be, especially when children are involved. In a case such as this, where one party just is not happy anymore, a civil parting of the ways is certainly possible and infinitely more desirable. In this situation, a good family law attorney can serve you well and respect both of your needs as one-time-lovers transitioning into divorced parents and friends. That's why our motto is, "It started with love, why not end it the same way?"

Tiger Woods - The Controversy Continues

For an interesting take on the Tiger Woods controversy, read this story: http://glennsacks.com/blog/?p=4443