A True Beauty

I visited with a friend today who gives new meaning to the word "courage." I represented this lady in her divorce several years ago, and we meet from time to time to catch up. "Jean" (not her real name) suffers from Multiple Sclerosis. When I represented her, she was in a wheelchair and had the use of her upper body.

When I saw her today, however, she basically could move nothing but her head. That is very sad; yet what is remarkable about this lady is her beautiful spirit. Without exception, whenever I have talked to her, she's always upbeat. "Hi, how ya doing? Oh, I'm doing fine." Her voice is always positive and light. I have never once heard her complain, although she does talk about her condition when asked.

Jean is very spiritual, and like most of us in the spiritual world, believes that everything happens for a reason. She has explored innumerable spiritual and holisitic technologies to overcome this physical challenge, but so far success has evaded her. When I saw her today after so many years, looking at her slendor limbs stripped of muscle or fat, I wondered "How does she do it?" She told me, "I am just really wondering what else I have to learn before I can get up and walk again?" I certainly don't know. She has far more strength than I.

Every single thing she does takes enormous effort. For example, to use the computer, she has to use a voice-activated keyboard. But as anyone knows who has tried one, they don't always work like they should. If she wants to put something on the website I helped her set up several years ago, it requires an elaborate process of telling the computer to copy an item she'd like placed on the site, then telling it to post to a different program, etc. It is no wonder she hasn't been on the site in over a year!

Just swallowing a pill is a challenge. It requires someone else to empty the pills into her open mouth, then hold a glass with a straw in it for her to drink and get them down. And of course, whether she is hungry or not, she dooesn't eat until her caregiver comes and prepares her food. How can she possibly keep her spirits up as she does?

A couple of weeks ago, I injured my knee in a fitness boot camp and was in a lot of pain. It affected every moment, both waking and sleeping, of my life. As a result I was grumpy, depressed, and in despair...after just two weeks! I also headed for the pain medication asap, as it seemed the only way to get any sleep.

Talking to Jean, I learned that she is in constant pain herself (and I am sure it is a lot worse than mine). Yet she made the decision early on not to use pain medication, and so she doesn't. She said, "If I took pain medication every time I hurt, I'd be zonked out all the time." How can she do it? I am just amazed at this woman. How can she be so strong, and so loving to others, while living a life that would cause most of us to just give up?

But I haven't even mentioned the most remarkable thing about Jean, and that is her face. Her beautiful, shining face. The thoughts a person thinks are reflected in their face, and show up more over time. Jean's face? There is scarcely a line on it; no crow's feet, no frown marks. With the lightest of make-up (no doubt applied by her caregiver for my visit), I looked at her flawless skin and those eyes from which shone the most beautiful spirit I have ever seen. And I knew I was in the presence of greatness. Thank you, Jean, for showing me what true beauty looks like.

What Makes A Single Mom?

Interesting blog on facebook, http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?topic=9744&uid=104166038771

Single parents face a lot of unique challenges that couples don't. They need to be both "Mom" and "Dad" to their kids, or find a suitable role model for the other parent. Being a single parent myself, I did the best I could to meet my children's needs, but one person really cannot fulfill all of those roles, in my opinion. The good news is, two parent families don't do it all "right," either. We all do the best we can from where we stand.

One important thing we can do as single parents, is remember to keep our opinions to ourself about the other parent...unless it is to say something good! I cannot stress this enough. Often in a divorce, people see only the bad in their former spouse, and are only too happy to share it with their children. Or (worse), look to the children for support. I know it's hard to go through divorce. I know it's tough to go it alone. But it is just wrong to expect your kids to shore you up. Find a caring friend or professional. Let your children be children, and free to love you both.

A Simple Request

"For the rest of your lives on this planet allow one minute out of every hour for the unanticipated. Let yourselves out of prison to look at your world with unexpecting eyes--eyes that are not formulated to structure. Reclaim the wonder of the very small child. Fatigue will go. Creativity will return. Your heart will open. Illness will decrease and vanish. Your world will change."

From Emmanual's Book II: The Choice for Love

Clearing Your Space

Your physical space is a reflection of your mental state. Create orderly surroundings by eliminating needless things, and you will reap the benefits of an ordered mind.

Do you want to know the state of your mind? You don't have to go to a psychologist for expensive testing. Take a look at your surroundings. What is the state of your home; your bedroom; your office? Look closely. You are seeing the state of your mind, projected before you.

...If you own up to clutter, now is the time to let it go. Just an hour or two a week spent de-cluttering will increase your sense of serenity. Start in one room and throw away 25 items you no longer need.

Whenever I faced a problem in my life in my journey after divorce, I found that de-cluttering often helped me find the solution. Once, I chose to start by clearing out my home office. I threw away papers, files, and cases that had closed years ago. As I worked, I listened to Louise Hay's Receiving Properity CD, and affirmed to myself, "I am cleaning out the legal files of my mind." In the process, I found a current file that I had been looking for everywhere, and another file that applied to a pending case. When the project was done, I had transformed my office from a foreign, chaotic place to be avoided into an orderly domain. The immediate reward was a feeling of serenity.

...In a Zen Buddhist story, a student comes to a master seeking wisdom. The seeker spoke endlessly about what he already knew. The master said nothing. Finally, he took the student's cup and began pouring tea into until it overflowed all over the table. "Stop!" the student cried. "Can't you see the tea is overflowng?" The Zen master replied, "Exactly. I cannot fill a cup that is already full." If we hold onto old experiences, bad memories, and the flotsam and jetsam of our waking lives, we leave no room for the new. Wisdom enters a clear space.

(Excerpt from JIGSAW: Picking up the Pieces After Divorce by Mindy L. Hitchcock) To read more, go to Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/Jigsaw-Putting-Pieces-Together-Divorce/dp/1419663526/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1248568816&sr=1-1

Divorce: It's All in Your Point of View

I had a monumental insight today. It happened after momentarily re-connecting with someone with whom I once had a personal relationship. My reasons for ending it were very clear to me. Yet in my communication with him today, it was clear that he had a very different view of the relationship. He wasn't lying; he actually believed what he was saying to me.

I see this phenomena all the time in divorce. Talk to the wife about why the marriage ended, and she will tell you all about the husband's faults. Listening, it is very clear that he was the entire problem. He was demanding, a control freak, a cheat. Then ask the husband, and you will hear a completely different side of the story. She was too passive, she didn't fulfill his sexual needs, didn't appreciate him, etc. So different, you would think you were talking about two completely different marriages.

When I was thirteen, my parents got divorced. When my Mother told the story, it was all my Father's fault. He was demanding and threatening, and my Mom was the innocent victim. I expressed the belief that my Mom was a victim one time to my Dad, and he almost choked. He said, "I thought she was a dominating monster."

Going through this phenomena with my former significant other today really crystalized what was going on. Everybody focuses on their own point of view, almost to the complete exclusion of the other's. (No wonder the relationship didn't work!) You may say, "This is all very interesting, but so what? Who cares if you and your ex-boyfriend don't see eye to eye?"

Probably no one. But it took me back to when I was a teenager. I was completely confounded by this, to the point I said to my Mom, "One of you is lying." But in fact, they were both telling the truth. Their truth.

This is so important to remember for kids who are going through divorce, and underscores the need to KEEP THE CHILDREN OUT OF IT. Telling them your side of the story only confuses them, and makes them feel they must take sides. It's hard enough to make sense of things when a kid's parents are getting divorced. Don't make it worse, by trying to win them to your truth.

For me, this confusion lead me early on to despair that such a thing as love really existed. I then went down a fairly destructive path, from which I am grateful to say I returned. Some kids aren't so lucky, however. My younger sister became a hard core alcoholic and last year, died. We never know how a child will respond to the trauma that occurs in divorce. Let your kids make their own decisions about who did, or didn't, do what. A Course in Miracles asks the question, "Would you rather be right, or be happy?" Be happy.

Seasons of Life

Often we expect ourselves to be the same every day, regardless of what is going on in our life. That is why we need to learn respect for our own personal seasons. Zen master Taisen Deshimaru says: "Some people treat their bodies like machines and try to keep them running indefinitely; then they wear out and cannot find their balance, and then come sickness and death."

...There is an ebb and flow to life and I am a part of it. So are you. We cannot expect the waves to constantly crest; they must first subside and return to the sea. Marianne Williamson says that we are like waves on the ocean, each of us thinking that we are different from other waves and not realizing that we are all part of the same ocean.

Once we realize this truth, we need to accept and allow the natural rhythm of waves. We do not all "crest" at the same time. We need to honor our seasons and get in touch with the power of stillness in motion. This is when the Universal rhythm manifests itself; this is when we discover who we are. You can no more force yourself to grow than you can force a flower to bloom. So don't try. Realize that you are in the right place at the right time, doing the right thing. And so it is.

(Excerpt from JIGSAW: Putting the Pieces Together After Divorce by Mindy L. Hitchcock.) To read more, go to Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/Jigsaw-Putting-Pieces-Together-Divorce/dp/1419663526/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1248568816&sr=1-1

Schock Amendment to Prevent Future Foreclosures Passes House

Read the full story:

http://illinois.realestaterama.com/2009/07/24/schock-amendment-to-prevent-future-foreclosures-passes-house-ID0123.html