Divorce: It's All in Your Point of View

I had a monumental insight today. It happened after momentarily re-connecting with someone with whom I once had a personal relationship. My reasons for ending it were very clear to me. Yet in my communication with him today, it was clear that he had a very different view of the relationship. He wasn't lying; he actually believed what he was saying to me.

I see this phenomena all the time in divorce. Talk to the wife about why the marriage ended, and she will tell you all about the husband's faults. Listening, it is very clear that he was the entire problem. He was demanding, a control freak, a cheat. Then ask the husband, and you will hear a completely different side of the story. She was too passive, she didn't fulfill his sexual needs, didn't appreciate him, etc. So different, you would think you were talking about two completely different marriages.

When I was thirteen, my parents got divorced. When my Mother told the story, it was all my Father's fault. He was demanding and threatening, and my Mom was the innocent victim. I expressed the belief that my Mom was a victim one time to my Dad, and he almost choked. He said, "I thought she was a dominating monster."

Going through this phenomena with my former significant other today really crystalized what was going on. Everybody focuses on their own point of view, almost to the complete exclusion of the other's. (No wonder the relationship didn't work!) You may say, "This is all very interesting, but so what? Who cares if you and your ex-boyfriend don't see eye to eye?"

Probably no one. But it took me back to when I was a teenager. I was completely confounded by this, to the point I said to my Mom, "One of you is lying." But in fact, they were both telling the truth. Their truth.

This is so important to remember for kids who are going through divorce, and underscores the need to KEEP THE CHILDREN OUT OF IT. Telling them your side of the story only confuses them, and makes them feel they must take sides. It's hard enough to make sense of things when a kid's parents are getting divorced. Don't make it worse, by trying to win them to your truth.

For me, this confusion lead me early on to despair that such a thing as love really existed. I then went down a fairly destructive path, from which I am grateful to say I returned. Some kids aren't so lucky, however. My younger sister became a hard core alcoholic and last year, died. We never know how a child will respond to the trauma that occurs in divorce. Let your kids make their own decisions about who did, or didn't, do what. A Course in Miracles asks the question, "Would you rather be right, or be happy?" Be happy.