5 Ways to Be Happy Now

Like everyone else, this “new economy” has turned all of my preconceived notions upside down. At various times I find myself challenged, scared, confused, and sad. Until last night, I blamed my blues on the cataclysmic events we’ve all gone through in the last six months. I lay in my bed, wishing everything would get right-side up so I could be happy again.

But then my inner self, the observer who watches me go through all of my various gyrations, asked me, “When was the last time you were truly happy?” I thought back through my life; as a child, as a teenager, as a young mother, as a new lawyer. And all I could find were snatches of happiness, here and there. Like when my kids were babies and I would go up in their room to kiss them goodnight. I was happy in that moment, yet unhappy in my marriage. Or when I was spending time with my father in Florida. I was happy to be with him, but worried about my finances. Or when I was off in some foreign country, enjoying an exotic spiritual adventure. I savored the experience, yet felt homesick at the same time. Never once was I consistently “happy” for any period of time. It was always bits and pieces of happiness, sandwiched in between my constant worrying or doubt. It didn’t matter if I was walking around in three thousand dollar suits and diamonds, or wondering how I’d make ends meet, it was always the same. Happiness was a fleeting concept.

So I asked myself, “If you have been on earth more than fifty years and have never been consistently happy, then when would be a good time to start?” And I decided that now would probably be a good time. I can’t wait for the economy to correct itself. I can’t wait to I find out if my latest great idea is going to pan out. Because, like everyone else, I don’t know how much more time I have on this lovely planet we call our home.

Happiness is a decision. We can decide to be happy, even if we’re working out problems in our business, or realizing that our house is “upside down” with no equity. It’s a choice. I believe that a lot of the turmoil we are now experiencing is the result of a mass concentration on fear, making a difficult situation, worse. Can we really be that powerful, that our thoughts are creating the very reality we’re afraid of? I think we can. I think we are created in the nature and likeness of God, and have the power to create with our thoughts in the same way.

And so, if we are to get ourselves out of this fix, we need to become “like little children” and begin doing the simple things that make us feel happy. “Like what?” One may ask. “What can I possibly do to be happy when I have lost my job? (or home, or, fill in the blank)” I don’t know. I can only share the things I do that make me feel happy. Maybe they will work for others.

1. Play: I like to play word games, like Spill’n Spell. I love to color! Some of us like to do puzzles, tell jokes, or swing on the swings. Whatever it is, do it! Don’t worry, the world will keep turning even if we take a few minutes off from stressing about it. (We may even free ourselves to come up with some new ideas.)

2. Watch funny movies: One of my recent favorites is a movie that was in the running for the worst picture of the year; “The Love Guru” starring Mike Meyers. I don’t care who doesn’t like it! I think it’s great. Whatever movies make us smile, remember that laughter is as good for us as an aerobic workout. So all of us who are coach potatoes are actually improving our health by watching a movie that cracks us up. (And by the way, who cares if you’re a coach potato? Do what makes you happy.) That being said, my next suggestion is

3. Dance! It’s almost impossible to feel bad when we are dancing to music we love. Personally, I like to dress up in clothes that shock my children and shake my bootie at Boogie Fever, which plays 70’s and 80’s music. Others may like to slow dance, or tango all by themselves in the privacy of their homes. Whatever it is, do it! Nobody’s opinion matters, except your own.

4. Smile: Remember the song that says, “When you’re smiling, the whole world smiles with you?” It’s true! (And if they don’t, who cares? Smile anyway.) I recently read a wonderful book by Elizabeth Gilbert called “Eat, Pray, Love,” in which an Indonesian medicine man told her to meditate by simply sitting and smiling. “Smile in your liver!” He said. Somehow, when we’re smiling our mind thinks “Wow, I must be happy.” And so it is. Sometimes we really need to take our mind gently by the hand and tell it what to think.

5. Be kind (starting with yourself): I have decided that from now on, I will criticize no one, whether they criticize me, vex me, or anything else they may do. It has finally sunk in that we are all doing the very best we can with the knowledge, information, and awareness that we have. So whether I like what someone else is doing or not, I refuse to criticize them. Or myself. I am sure that I will “fall off the wagon” with this one, but I am going to climb right back on. It’s a much happier way to live!

I hope that we all find some of these suggestions appealing, and worth a try. If they don’t work, I can always refund your misery.

Would You Remove Your Own Gall Blader Because You Read How to Do It on Web MD?

Sounds silly, doesn't it? And it is. It is said to make a point. There is a spectrum of medicine, and at one end it's perfectly wise to handle it yourself. Like putting a bandaid on a cut after cleaning it, or finding out natural ways to deal with the pain of arthritis.

But when it gets down to removing gall bladders, or open heart surgery, you're better off leaving it to the experts.

The same is true in any profession. I remember when I first got divorced. I thought that I couldn't afford to take my old car to a bump shop to get the rust removed and repainted. So I decided to "do it myself" (even though I had absolutely no experience in it). I bought a can of red paint-like material, that was supposed to instantly turn the rust into metal again. Then, all I had to do was reapply the sky blue lacquer paint that was on the car, and I was all set. Right?

Wrong! First of all, the red paint-like material did NOT turn the rust into good metal again. It turned it into rusted metal that was now bright red! Not very subtle on a sky blue car. So I decided I'd just do a little sanding. And I did, by hand, until my fingernails were right down to the quick.

That started what turned out to be a 3 month long ordeal. Me, alone in the garage night after night with a kerosene heater until 3 a.m. Sanding, priming, painting, screwing it up, then sanding, priming, painting, screwing it up...and sanding, priming painting...you get the idea (there is a reason they no longer use lacquer to paint cars!)

Finally, when all else failed I took it to the experts. A collision shop, that sanded, primed, and painted it good as new in a few days. I gained a lot of respect for the trade in those 3 months. And I learned something about leaving it to the experts.

Today, some people who are getting divorced have decided that they can't afford to hire a lawyer. So they are going with the "do-it-yourself" sites online, that prepare documents for you after you answer a list of questions. They work great; if you have no kids, no support questions, and no property.

If you do have any of these, however, they don't work so great. (Think of me with my car. I could have handled a touch up on a scratch or two, but major rust removal...no way!) I was talking to a family court judge this morning, who said that one judge on the family court bench was so fed up with the "pro se's" (people who do their own divorce cases) that he asked to be transferred to the criminal division just to get away from them! Why? Because these people come in with their filled out forms and absolutely no idea of where to go from there. Where to file, how and when to serve the documents, what else is required, what rights they are giving up, even what the terms on those documents mean! And they expect the judge to play "lawyer" for them both and coach them through.

Folks, these judges already have enough on their plate without becoming attorneys to the people who appear before them (and, which side would they represent?) Give this some thought if you are considering filing for divorce. There are less expensive, less stressful ways to end your marriage than hiring two lawyers to "duke it out" in an all-out court battle. (See our website for suggestions.) For goodness sake, with something as important as a relationship you thought would last forever, don't cheat yourself of a proper ending by trying to do it yourself!

Food for Thought

"Be formless, shapeless, like water. You put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle. You put water into a teacup, it becomes the teacup. Water can flow, or it can crash. Water is the softest substance on earth, yet it can wear down the hardest substance. Be water, my friend. Be water."

~Bruce Lee

The other day, a friend sent me a clip of Bruce Lee allegedly playing ping pong with a pair of nunchaku. Being a huge Bruce Lee fan, I started rummaging through the other Bruce Lee clips on Utube and found an interview where he said the above. Amazing thoughts.

In this world where everything we've come to rely on has turned upside down, and we don't know from one day to the next what is going to happen, how can we become like water and go with the flow? There have been some pretty large waves of late. (Dare I say a tsunami?) It's frightening because it's change, massive change, and the ground is crumbling underneath our feet. But what are our options? We can't change the channel. We can't cancel our subscription. If we are alive, we are going through it.

It is time for us to become like the nature of water.

Acres of Diamonds

The other day I was reading an article in Fortune magazine about M&T Bank in Buffalo, New York. In an industry that is reeling more than most, M&T Bank seems to be thriving. Fortune wanted to find out why. Turns out M&T is a big bank that never lost its small town focus. It contributes money to local schools, participates in community events, and pays attention to the payment patterns of its borrowers. When a customer begins paying their mortgage at the end of the month, instead of on the first, a bank employee calls up to check and see if all is well. (It usually isn't.) Often, someone has just lost their job, or suffered some other financial loss. The bank works with them, by changing the payment due date, reducing the interest rate, or even lowering the principal balance, if all else fails. M&T has reduced the redefault rate on its portfolio to 17% of its loans-significantly below the average of 30% to 40% calculated by Hope Now. They've modified 1,169 consumer mortgages, stupendous in comparison with the paltry 752 that Congress' nationwide Hope for Homeowners program has completed since October 2008. Instead of kicking their customers when they are down, they have helped them up. And the results are making M&T shine.

In tough times like these, it's easy to look far off in the distance for greener pastures. But the truth is, even in times like these, we are surrounded by acres of diamonds in our own backyard.

At LADY4JUSTICE, we took a hard look at our practice, and our clients, when the economy plummeted. We realized that tough economic times make marital strife even worse, just at a time when people can't afford expensive court battles and lawyers. Then, we created the Divorce Bailout Package to serve their needs. A failed marriage is never a happy event. But we resolved to make it as stress-free, and peaceful, as we possibly could. We created a package that, for a flat fee, gave couples 6 hours of time with a trained mediator to help them craft their own solutions to questions of custody, support, and property. (The mediator helps facilitate communication, but the couples are the decision makers, not some court.) Once a decision is reached, we then prepare, file, and serve all the legal paperwork for the parties. We even include a one-time court appearance to help the couple state the terms of their judgment in court.

The result? So far, some clients have called it a "godsend," while others say it is a "lifesaver." Best of all, by eliminating the whole unhappy court process, there are no bitter memories of court battles to keep the couple from working together to raise their children. The children don't have to deal with their parents' baggage from months of grueling litigation. By saving clients money, we are achieving what drew me to practice family law in the first place: Helping people turn a traumatic event into an opportunity for an extraordinary life, for the highest good of all concerned. That's what makes it all worthwhile for me!

How about you? Who are the people that you serve, and how can you use the pressure from this ongoing economic crisis to bring out the diamonds in your field?

Changing with Change

...is the changeless state. As this most interesting time of life proceeds, most divorce lawyers report that cases are now more about who "owes what" rather than who "owns what." Sit in a courtroom one day, and you will hear ex-spouses arguing about the fact that one has been unable to refinance the mortgage and take the other off. Or, one has failed to pay the credit card debt in accordance with the judgment, because they have lost their job. Of course, the first response to this change is to feel that the sky is falling, and life is over. However, it isn't. The flip side of sellers having a hard time selling, is that buyers are having a great time buying! There are some incredible deals out there. In fact I just read a newspaper article that said people from other states are coming to Detroit to take advantage of the ridiculous prices and get a steal. For those of us who are trying to go from being employees or self-employed, to being business owners and investors, the Michigan real estate market is the chance of a lifetime.

As for divorce, I find that people are a lot more receptive to my "mini-lectures" on making the divorce as drama-free as possible. Keeping the kids out of it and cooperating on parenting and other issues makes a lot more sense when no one has extra cash to throw around for lengthy court battles. And not too many people are determined to prove that they were right, and their spouse was wrong, anymore. Although they may wish for such things, pragmaticism has taken over. And I think that's a good thing.

The less emotional drama there is in a divorce, the less emotional baggage the parties will have to drag along with them into the future. And the more money they will have. Court is a bad place to resolve emotional issues. I recommend therapy or your own pursuit of personal development with any one of a dozen or more great sources. (If you're interested drop me a line and I'll be happy to share my picks on that.) For my own part, I created the Divorce Bailout Package, to help divorcing couples divorce like, well, adults. Cost-effective solutions that work. That's what we need right now.

HAPPY PEOPLE UNITE!

Here’s an idea for change! We have a new President; a new economic environment, and challenges to a greater degree than our generation has ever seen. Why not come up with a new approach to happiness? Instead of bewailing our economic circumstances, we as a nation have an opportunity to come together as a people and remake ourselves. If we do that, then our outer world will soon reflect the makeover.

Has anybody else noticed the President-elect’s physical condition? Why not give people an incentive to follow the new leader? Find out what kind of workout the President, his advisors, family and so forth regularly do. Let them set goals, and post them on the internet! Find out their diet and exercise regimens, and post their progress on the web. Then let the public insert their own physical stats and program them to correspond to one of the highest government officials. And let them challenge us: “Which workout do you like? Do you want to beat Barack? Do his workout! Do you think you’re tough? Look at the Commandant of the United States Marine Corps, and follow his lead. Do you want to lose weight? The Secretary of Housing and Urban Development does, too. Track her progress and make it your own.

You get the idea. Whether running, weights, or calisthenics. The benefits would be incalculable. How about tax credits to people who achieve certain fitness goals? How about government matching for contributions to health insurance with percentages tied to progress and maintenance? Individual commitment to personal fitness would be a fair component of any government sponsored health care plan.

Think of the benefits of this idea! Not only would we get tax credits and benefits for having fun (remember, even dancing counts as an aerobic workout!)---We would also address the expense of health care on the front-end. By becoming healthier, fitter people, we would have fewer debilitating health problems, and reduced health care costs overall.

Really, the benefits go on and on. As healthier people, we would all have a more positive, creative outlook (thanks to the endorphins created by working out). And think of the economic activity that could result from people getting off the couch and choosing to live, and to move! This would help us face our current economic challenges with a more powerful, proactive attitude, because we would feel strong and confident. We still have the richest resources in the world. This is another benefit of fitness!

And to get all these great benefits, we would do something that also let us pay less taxes. Let me at that treadmill, I say!

How’s that for a great solution, that works?

Turn Up The Joy!

Recently, I read that Einstein gave thanks hundreds of times each day. What a beautiful virtue is gratitude! When I read that, I made the decision to develop a thankful mind; not just as a passing emotion, but as a basic attribute of my character. To start, I opened my eyes and recognized the mementoes of blessing that surround me in my own house.

As I turned my focus to the benefits around me, I saw that everything was connected to an experience, a person, and a memory. “Thank you!” I said—as I looked at the light fixture I had lovingly selected for its beauty. “Thank you!” I said, to the walls, covered with the wallpaper my sister and I had carefully applied in a memorable time together. “Thank you!” I said, to the ceramic floors, laid so skillfully by a local craftsman named Ken Powers, who has brought so much beauty into my life. “Thank you!” I said, to the smooth sliding glass doors which grace the exit to my backyard.

Everywhere I looked, I saw myriad stories of blessing in my life; things I had selected with my sister; things my kids and I have made; things created by artisans who have brought my dreams into being. As I recognized the benefits which daily sustain me, my heart overflowed with thanks; and I was so happy! And so I continued, thanking my way into joy.

Esther and Jerry Hicks say that we are all like radio transmitting stations. We can only attract that which we send out. More than 20 years ago, they tapped into an inter- dimensional voice (to which they refer as the Beings who call themselves Abraham) that answered life’s most perplexing questions. In their books, they list a hierarchy of emotions, the highest being love, and say that the higher up the feeling scale you can bring yourself, the more prosperity, love, and joy you will attract, or allow, in your life.

My “Thank You!” experiment is one great way to find joy.

If you run out of things around you to be thankful for, thank the different parts of your body for their love and service to you. What a rush that is!

Speaking of good feelings, I want to share another of my secrets for keeping things on the up side…dancing!

I love to dance! There is a certain kind of music I like to dance to; mostly 80’s music. And when I hear it, I just start going and don’t stop for two or three hours!

If you are thinking, “But there are no good places to dance around here”, think again! There are several places in the Detroit area, and they all have their good points, but my favorite for consistent nonstop dancing action is a place at Nine Mile Road and Woodward Avenue in Ferndale, called Boogie Fever. The DJ plays one great song after another. Just when I think I’ll sit down and take a break, he comes up with another good song that just makes you want to MOVE!

Last Friday, I went to Boogie Fever with my friend and personal trainer, Sheryl Blystone. Sheryl is a great dancer, having studied dance as a child and later, to perform disco moves in body-building contests. On weekdays, she helps me work my muscles, but on Friday night, it’s all about fun! While I have no such claim to fame, I have been known to cut a rug, and so far, they haven’t kicked me out.

Last week, Sheryl and I dragged a friend along to join us in the fun. Convinced that only grueling sweat-cercises at the gym are worthy of being called a workout, he sat with us, sulking, drumming his fingers on the table, and looking for all the world like a wet chicken.

I was determined to get this curmudgeon on the right track. So I told him, “Forget the gym. If you want a good workout, get up and SHAKE it.” Suddenly, my life’s anthem came on: Todd Rundgren’s “I don’t want to work. I just want to bang on the drum all day!”

Who can resist such a classic?? So I dragged my sad sack friend out onto the dance floor.

Once he got up, he came alive. Before long, he was dropping to the floor, doing pushups, and jumping up to clap his hands between reps. It was a pretty impressive showing, for such a slow starter. By the time the night was over, everybody was feeling wonderful and the floor was packed!

I could make a pretty good case for dancing as therapy; but that’s not my point. If we are to attract blessings to our lives, we must do that which makes us feel good. Isn’t it wonderful? That’s all we have to do.

Giving thanks is one way to feel good. Dancing is another; but in each moment, we need to be vigilant, and monitor our feelings. If, in the moment, you are feeling bad, have a couple of visuals in your grab bag to bring your mood up. (For me, of course, it’s easy. I just think of one of my beloved kitties.) Then, to keep the mood up, express gratitude, or dance, or do whatever in the world gives you joy. Then watch the wonderful things that begin flooding into your life.

Each of us has our own view of what happens after this life. But while we are here, we can take active steps to create a life that is awesome right now. Try it, and maybe I’ll see you next Friday, on the dance floor.