The Hazards of Being Technologically Impaired

Two days ago, I bought my first iPhone. Being slightly resistant to gadgets I don't know how to work, I didn't come by it voluntarily. No. I got it about two months after I left the charger for the old phone in Saugatuck, Michigan during a visit there. Since my "old" phone was so old they don't even make that charger anymore, I limped along using only the car charger until I finally decided enough was enough and bought the iPhone.

Getting it wasn't easy, either. First, I went to the AT & T store, who had none available. My son said to go to the source; the Apple store. There, after waiting in line for some time, I found out they also had none. Everyone who works there has a slight air of superiority, as if the rest of us just weren't quite up to speed on the latest technology (in my case, they're right). When I did speak to a salesperson, she told me about all the cool iPhone cases, crystal covers to protect the glass front and back, Mobile Me, etc. that one can get to make a cool phone even cooler. None of these items are available in the store, however. In fact, it seemed to me that very little was actually available in the store besides demo products. They just wanted the hoi polloi to know they existed.

Apple store employees also, apparently, have no idea when their products will be arriving. There's no day of the week when deliveries come; it's just something you have to call in the morning (early!) to find out. And if by fortunate chance a shipment has come in, you need to hightail it over there immediately to pick yours up. If instead you are sluggish like some of us, and wait until evening, the inventory has been depleted and you are relegated to calling the store the next day to see if another shipment has come in.

It looks like a great gig to me. They're mysterious, hard to get, and a treasure any fool would be lucky to get their hands on. So the buyers come flocking in, hoping for the chance to pay two hundred bucks for a cell phone. There doesn't seem to be any recession going on at the Apple store.

Nevertheless, after my second wasted trip, I decided just to go online and order it myself. (And by "I," I mean my son.) He ordered it, ported my existing number over, and lo and behold, 4 days later, my shiny new iPhone had arrived and was left sitting on my neighbor's porch. (They delivered it to the wrong address.) Still, it was a lot closer than I'd gotten for the last two weeks.

After all this excitement, it was time for my next big move: Figuring out how to turn it on, and use it. My son, in a hopeless attempt to get me to "figure things out for myself" told me to take it to the AT & T store after the phone had sat connected to my computer, allegedly transferring some application for two days. So off I went, and the accommodating staff quickly helped me complete the process of porting my number.

What a thrill! At last, now I can be checking my emails and furiously texting messages in court, as I have seen so many other lawyers do. As I walked out of the store, I decided to call my son just to let him know that I was all set, on my own. Then I noticed that all my "Contacts" were email addresses...no phone numbers. (That must have been the transfer that was taking place on my computer for those 2 days.)

Well, no matter. I'll just type the number in myself. I hit "Contacts," typed in Alex's name, and number. Then I sat in the parking lot, trying to figure out where the "Call" button was. Couldn't find it anywhere.

Being the highly educated professional that I am, I did what I always do when faced with such technological challenges. I got frustrated, and immediately blew my top at what kind of an idiotic device this (expletives deleted) iPhone was, anyway. After angry words and cursing didn't work, I resorted to using my old phone, which was sitting patiently in the car with about 30 seconds of power left. I called my son, asking him how in the heck I was supposed to use this stupid phone that had no call button. He patiently explained that I needed to press the line of text that listed his mobile phone number.

Oh.

Okay, so that went well. I called him back triumphantly...and found that he sounded like he was a million miles away, using a tin can. I turned the volume up to its highest level, told him to speak up; and still, nothing. Again, I was instantly frustrated and mad. By then I was back home, where I could prove to him that it wasn't me, it was this stupid, defective phone. He asked if I had asked them about it at the AT & T store. Of course not, I said. I left there the minute they got my phone working.

He couldn't figure it out, and I felt cheated, for having received such a faulty phone. Still, at his urging I went back to the store and told the clerk my problem. She said, "Take off the plastic." What?? No way could that fix this obvious defect. To humor her, I took it off. Much to my amazement, the volume was fine. After two days of waiting, I could now make a phone call!

To all you show-offs out there who are laughing at me for being in the Dark Ages of phones, I say just wait! Another month or so, and I'll have figured out how to use the calendar. (Okay, it's not quite that bad, but close.) And frankly, I haven't even tried to check my email.

I've heard it said that crossword puzzles, and trying new things, are great ways to keep your mind sharp. Well I don't like crossword puzzles, but it looks to me like I've got a year's worth of opportunities to try new things with my new iPhone alone. And luckily for me, I've got two smart kids for backup, that seem to know all about them.