Bruce Lee Lives!

Democrats introduce Bruce Lee resolution - The Hill's Floor Action http://thehill.com/blogs/floor-action/house/226861-democrats-introduce-bruce-lee-resolution

There is room for hope in the world!  I've just learned that a resolution was introduced in May to honor Bruce Lee, the greatest marital artist who ever lived and a great zen philosopher as well.  I first learned of Bruce Lee in the 90's, long after he had passed, when I was training in the martial arts.  It was the first time I'd ever had to physically fight, and as a small woman, I found it very intimidating.  Then I discovered Bruce Lee, and was amazed at the 135 lb. man who could actually fight 20 people at once...and win!  He inspired me to press on, and earn my black belt.  When I trained, I read his books and tried to live up to his standards.  This was no mean feat; he recommended "warming up" with 200 side kicks to the heavy bag.  For me, that was my workout, not my warmup!  

The more I knew of this amazing man, the more fascinated I became.  And in reading The Tao of Jeet Kune Do (the story of his art), a new world opened up for me when I encountered the concepts of zen.  So different from the traditional "good -vs- evil" approach I learned in Sunday School, his philosophy transformed my life and started me on a spiritual journey which continues to this day.

Now, some naysayers may say that we have more important things for our legislators to resolve, like the economy, or world conflicts, etc.  Of course those things are important.  But I say that we need heroes to believe in.  We need people who inspire us to go beyond what we have done so far, who give us something to aspire to.  I can say without a moment's hesitation that if we all tried to live up to the ideals that Bruce Lee embodied, most of our problems would dissolve of themselves.

It is said that what you put your attention on increases, and what you take your attention from withers and dies.  If that is true, what a brilliant thing for us to focus on and remember:  the life and art of Bruce Lee!

Cheating Spouses: Don't Let Guilt Make You Give Away the Farm

In anything you do often, you are bound to notice certain patterns.  Family law is no different.  For example, I notice that when a spouse (usually the man) is cheating, they tend to be over-generous in settling the case, because they feel guilty.  Often, this results in such things as a provision for permanent spousal support, and maybe even a provision to pay the other spouse's insurance premiums and uninsured medical expenses, for life.  I don't recommend this.

First of all, "for life" is a long time.  It means, "for life."  So if you lose your job, or suffer a loss of income, you are still stuck paying for your spouse's medical costs, or spousal support, even if it takes up most of your income.  You can actually be taken to court on an Order to Show Cause why you should not be found in contempt, and possibly jailed, if you don't comply.  (Yes, I've filed these myself, so I know.)  If the order for support is "non-modifiable," then you will have to pay the specified amount even if you declare bankruptcy, lose your house in foreclosure, and lose all your money.  Just think!  You could be homeless, and have to pay regardless or you'd have a new "home"; the county jail.

My point is, although you may have a desire to make amends to your wife for cheating, there are wiser ways than this.  Write her a sincere letter apologizing for letting her down, or not being there for her (don't admit infidelity, though, because it can be used against you).  Or, give her slightly more in the property settlement, which will be done and over with at the time of divorce, not hang around to haunt you for the rest of you life.  Otherwise, the two of you, though divorced, will be joined together until "death do you part."

Single Dads - The One Thing You Must Do to Protect Your Rights for the Next 18 Years

More and more people are having children outside the marriage relationship these days, for a variety of reasons.  Some want to wait until they complete their education, some want to wait until they can afford to pay for the wedding, and so forth.  But one thing many people aren't waiting to do, is have a child.

I represent lots of single fathers, and every one of them is a great Dad.  I've learned a lot from their experiences.  And just as Joseph Campbell said there were different hero archetypes, so there are different mother (and father, for that matter) archetypes.  But single fathers are not afforded the same rights that single mothers get automatically, such as legal and physical custody.  Instead, they get the right to pay child support.  Single fathers aren't even given the rights customarily awarded to married dads, like joint legal custody. Given this huge bias in favor of the mother as a better parent, solely by virtue of the fact that she gave birth to the child, you must protect yourself from the start or you will be paying, in more ways than one, until your child becomes an adult.

The mother of your child may be a wonderful person, and I hope that she is.  Especially after she has given birth to your child, you are likely to feel warm and loving towards her, and trust her completely.  Nevertheless, single Dads, I urge you to GET IT IN WRITING! (Note:  I am not a person who generally writes in all caps, because it sounds like screaming.  Here, however, I am doing it to stress the importance of the information I am sharing.)

PARENTING TIME:  YOUR CHILD NEEDS YOU


Example:  The mother files a child support case after the child is born, and the two of you go to court so the Friend of the Court can look at your paystubs and determine support.  The mother says she wants the Judgment to say she has sole legal, or maybe even joint legal custody, with sole physical custody to her.  She gets all the overnights, and you get "reasonable parenting time."  She says, "Don't worry, baby.  You can see him (or her) anytime you want."  You persist, and the Friend of the Court specialist who is helping you says they are going to put down what the mother wants, since the two of you don't agree.  STOP RIGHT THERE, AND INSIST ON A HEARING.  Don't take the easy way out and go along, thinking you can trust the mom. The easy way becomes hard, and the hard way becomes easy.

If you allow them to put it in the way she wants, then for example under the Wayne County Co-Parenting Plan (which is mandatory where the Order states "reasonable parenting time"), you are NOT ALLOWED ONE SINGLE OVERNIGHT until the child is one year old.  No holidays, no vacations.  Just two contacts of 2 hours each and one 6 hour contact per week.  When the child is one year old, you will get two (yes, 2) overnights per MONTH, along with some holidays.  It is not until the child is 3 years old that you will get what most married Dads get as a minimum, automatically; every other weekend (4 overnights per month), and one weekday overnight on alternate weeks.

Why would the courts deprive you of a close relationship with your child in this way?  According to the Plan (which spells out the general view of most courts in terms of single fathers' parenting time), "The age of a child is an important issue in determining the frequency and duration of parenting time.  Earlier in a child's development, the child will need more frequent contact with each parent (read "father" here) but the duration of the contact should be shorter.  As a child becomes older, the contact may become less frequent but of greater duration."  I read that as saying, "The child needs his mother but he doesn't need you."  This is absolute hogwash.  The Plan provides no scholarly support for this contention.

However, most psychological studies show that a human being's personality is primarily formed in the first 3 years of life.  So, how much influence will you be having with your child in his formative years?  Answer - not much.  I truly believe this bias is based, not on the best interest of the child, but on a bias in favor of marriage.  Simply put, it penalizes fathers for not marrying the mother.

I once did a paternity case that demonstrates this.  My client, the father, did 95% of the infant care for the parties' son for the first 18 months of his life, while they lived together.  The mother was younger than he, was still into partying, and very irresponsible.  She didn't work; he worked full time running a business.  Yet he still took the child to all of his doctor's visits, fed him, bathed him, dressed him, and often took him to work because she didn't feel like getting up.  Yet when the relationship broke down, she took off with the child, and all we could do was file a case.  He could not call the police and make her return the child, because he had NO RIGHTS.  We asked for joint custody, and interim parenting time.

 I explained all these facts to the judge, telling her how much my client loved his son, and missed him.  She looked at me and said, "If he loves his son so much, he should have married the mother."  She dismissed the obvious proof that my client was the more responsible parent.  Happily, my client eventually got sole legal and physical custody, and his son is now happy and safe with him.  The mother has supervised parenting time.  But he went through a year of courtroom hell, expense, and a trial, in a case that would have been a slam-dunk if he were the mother.  Some men go through even worse to get only incremental increases in custody, subject to the accusations of the mother, who is presumed to be the better parent.

To be sure, there are an increasing number of judges who recognize the importance of a father in their child's life.  But the bias in favor of the mother is built into the system so deeply that if you don't insist on joint legal and physical custody from the start, you will be at her mercy for the rest of the case.  If your girlfriend is a good mother, she will agree to put it in writing.  If she doesn't agree, then beware.  She may later use access to the child to control you, deny it to punish you, and marginalize your place in the child's life until you are little more than an ATM for her benefit. If I sound a bit extreme, I can assure you my advice is based upon what I have seen.  Contrary to what courts seem to believe, just because a woman gives birth does not make her a good parent.

CHILD SUPPORT:  DON'T PAY TWICE!


Example:  Your girlfriend gives birth to your daughter in the hospital.  You give her money for the cost of her expenses.  Of course you don't ask for a receipt.  She's your girl, and the mother of your child!  Later, you break up and she files a child support case, asking for confinement expenses (i.e., costs of giving birth).  You go to court and protest that you've already paid it.  The court asks for a receipt, and you don't have one.  The mother denies that you paid.  You end up paying again.

Example:  Your child is born, everything seems fine.  You and the mom are still together and you give her money to cover your son's expenses.  This goes on for awhile, then one day you get in a fight.  She goes to court asking for child support, and you respond that you give her money all the time for your son.  The court asks for receipts, and you have none.  They ask if she will acknowledge that you paid her any child support, and she says "No."  You get no credit for what you paid, and you pay again.

This is pretty straightforward.  If you give the mom any money for the child, or her confinement expenses, do it by check and write what it is for in the memo section.  (A receipt signed by the mother is best, but this may feel weird when you are getting along.  You may feel silly asking for one.)  The cancelled check is at least proof that you paid the mother for this, and arguably her cashing it with that comment in the memo section should be enough.  But sometimes it isn't, so even if you do feel silly, ask the mother to sign a receipt.  Tell her you want to keep it for your records, just so everything is clear.  If she resists, be on guard.  She may have bad motives for doing so.

Men who are single Dads, please take these comments to heart and follow them to the letter.  You will save yourself thousands of dollars, and untold emotional pain and stress.  Best of all, you will protect your child's right to grow up with a father.  You have no idea how important you are to your child.

Turning Point - Help When You Need It

I want to take a moment to acknowledge a great organization: Turning Point, Inc. in Macomb County. I went to the court this afternoon to help a client from a different culture obtain a PPO (personal protection order). A very gracious lady helped us through the entire process and then went up with us to present our request to the Judge. Her assistance was invaluable, and she gave my client lots of paperwork to help her through the future ordeal, from numbers to call to developing an escape plan.

I'm usually on the other side of a PPO, defending against someone who improperly got a PPO just to obtain an unfair advantage in a custody case. Today I saw the value of an excellent organization like Turning Point. I'm glad they're there to help people truly in need.

Study Shows Facebook Cited in 1/3 of Divorce Filings

January 2012: As the New Year begins, a study shows that Facebook is a factor in a large number of divorce filings. According to Divorce Online, one third of all breakups that cite unreasonable or outrageous behavior blame Facebook as a cause. This kind of divorce is up 50% in the last two years, they say.

In my practice, the cases where Facebook is involved are not at 30%. I tend to attract people who want to end their marriage peacefully, without all the drama, and that suits me just fine. I've had a few Facebook cases, though, and I must say it astounds me what people will put up on their page.

When I was growing up, we used a diary to put all of our personal information and dirty little secrets, and locked it with a key (and hid it!). When my kids were growing up, I used to tease my daughter that, if it wasn't online, it didn't exist for her. To me, a "private online journal" seems like an oxymoron. And in fact, a few years back I heard the CEO of Google saying that once something is on the internet, it stays there - forever. (Scary, isn't it?) I believe it's the 20-30 age group who are the most prolific on Facebook, and the biggest source of ammo for divorce cases. When you want to find out something about someone on Facebook, it really isn't too hard to find legitimate ways to mine that gold. Food for thought before making your next post.

Steve Jobs' passing - Goodbye to a great man

Apple co-founder Steve Jobs passed away today at the age of 56. He had a rare form of pancreatic cancer called pancreatic neuroendocrine cancer, which produces islet cell of neuroendocrine tumors. This form is usually less agressive than pancreatic exocrine cancer and patients can usually live longer, with an average survival rate of more than 3 years.

While Jobs' legendary perfectionism and insistence on simplicity and elegance for Apple's products were the qualities of an aesthete, and led to his becoming something of a guru to all Apple employees (Fortune remarked that Apple employees' primary question was always "WWSD - What Would Steve Do?"). But his goal was to create products that could command premium prices and ensure rich profits.

The Apple CEO's unique combination of showmanship, eye for detail and instinct for business strategy may make it hard to identify his rightful place in business history. (He is the young man at left in this picture.)

Everyone knows Steve Jobs pulled off one of the outstanding corporate turnarounds in U.S. history, and he did it on the strength of cool products. Cool products like the Mac my kids use, the iPhone we all depend on, and iTunes, a dependable source of good music for our iPods. Clearly in Steve's case, the "i's" had it.

But coolness aside, Jobs was a master of bare-knuckled business strategies from the old school. Apple's reputation for nearly flawless manufacturing quality, not merely its svelte engineering, is what enables the company to make premium pricing look like a value proposition. Apple devices may cost more, but they always seem to work. In its most recent fiscal year, Apple's profit margin was more than 21%; at Hewlett-Packard, the world's biggest PC manufacturer, it was 7%.

Jobs' well-known control-freak ethos accounts for the closed approach binding Apple's mobile devices and their content — songs purchased from the iTunes store can't be played on competing companies' devices, for example. Although in the iPod's early days, many thought this would doom it to irrelevance, Jobs' strategy paid off. There was a method to his madness: He believed simplicity and consistency would draw customers to legal digital music downloads. And he was right. I used to have other music services on my computer, like Bear Share and another I can't remember. All that remains, is the iTunes store.

And the App Store, through which Apple kept a stranglehold on outside software written for the iPhone, iPad and iPod Touch, is the ultimate expression of Jobs' desire for order. Programs can be distributed through the App Store only after they're approved by Apple, which takes a 30% cut of their revenue — another Jobsian exploitation of a very un-Zen business strategy.

Steve Jobs was a Buddhist. According to the press (much of which is quoted here), his business strategies were very much not in the Buddhist tradition. But all of that is nothing but nay-saying now. Instead, I would simply like to offer Mr. Jobs' family and friends my condolences, and express my gratitude for the miraculous contribution Steve Jobs' brilliance made in my life, and the life of everyone I know. He was truly a genius, a man whose work will continue to bless us for years to come.

Walk On

We all get discouraged sometimes. Tonight I was cleaning out some personal file cabinets and came across this poem. It's a good one to read when the chips are down:

If you think you are beaten, you are;

If you think you dare not, you don't.

If you'd like to win, but think you can't,

It's almost a cinch you won't.

If you think you'll lose, you're lost,

For out in the world we find

Success begins with a fellow's will;

It's all in the state of mind.

Life's battles don't always go

To the stronger or faster man;

But soon or late, the one who wins

Is the one who thinks he can.