Parental Alienation- Don't Do It

I am working on various motions in a custody case. Reviewing the mother's actions, again and again the words "Parental Alienation Syndrome" come to mind. Dr. Reena Sommer says "Parental Alienation Syndrome (P.A.S.) is a burden that a child is forced to bear when one parent fails to recognize their child's strong needto love and be loved by the other parent. "

She considers it a form of child abuse (I agree) because:

1. It robs children of the security provided by the bond they once shared with the targeted parent.
2. It embeds in children’s minds falsehoods about the targeted parent that are injurious to their own psyche and their sense of self (i.e., "Mom/Dad never really loved you"; "Mom/Dad is dangerous"; "Mom/Dad has done inappropriate things to you").
3. The process of aligning children against the targeted parent often involves threats, lies, manipulations, deprivation and even physical abuse.
(To read more of her article, go to http://www.solutions4pas.com/PASreport.html)

To me, P.A.S. stems from a poverty mentality. One parent feels that, if children are free to love the other parent, then they (the children) will not love the alienating parent, or love them less. They fear the loss of their children's love. Nothing could be further from the truth! Love is like a muscle; the more you use it, the bigger it gets. The more you give, the more you have to give.

Remember, the best gift any divorcing parent can give their child is the freedom to love both parents, without guilt or recrimination. It will return to you a thousandfold, I promise you.

Fun in Michigan!

Anybody who thinks you can't have fun right here in Michigan, hasn't taken a look at our beautiful state. I've spent a lot of time working this summer, and now that it's almost over I decided to take a little "me" time.

Of course I looked no further than the western side of our state; Saugatuck! As it happens, I am not the only one who knows how beautiful this place is. I called almost every hotel, boatel in the area, and they were all booked! I asked them, "What is going on? Is there a big event?" They said, no, it's just summer. And that apparently is enough.

Luckily, I found one of the few remaining rooms and am looking forward to enjoying what promises to be a beautiful weekend.

No sooner did I make my reservation, than I got an email from my friend and editor of the Body, Mind, Spirit Guide, Penny Golden. It described an enticing adventure taking place on September 25-27 and said, "The setting for this glorious weekend is the charming Chateau Lorraine Bed and Breakfast on Mackinac Island." Of course, I signed up for this, too.

I love to travel, and I have enjoyed traveling to different countries and different states all my life. This summer, however, I have had the distinct privilege of discovering the beauty of my home state. I hope you take the time to enjoy it, too!

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Start at the Beginning, Not the End

I gained a great insight from a client today. We had gone to court, worked everything out, and favorably resolved the entire case at the first hearing without having to return! How great is that, I thought. But my client was upset.

I couldn't understand it! I had thoroughly researched her case, knew the law, and went there armed with the facts. Some judges like to hold certain conferences in chambers, and that's what this court did. Opposing counsel and I went in there and duked it out across the desk from the judge, who assessed our positions and helped us find a solution that worked. We managed to resolve, not only my emergency motion, but the entire case.

We went back out to the hallway, where our clients patiently waited for us, and began hammering out minor details of the settlement. I thought my client would be thrilled to be done with court, her first time there, but she wasn't. She called me the next day, very upset, and told me her feelings in detail.

At first I was a bit put off by what I felt was ingratitude for my finding the most cost-effective solution to her problem. Gradually though, it dawned on me that she didn't know I'd been back there with opposing counsel and the judge, fighting on her behalf. All she knew was that I disappeared for 30 minutes then came out, announced the solution, briefly solicited her agreement, and dragged her into court to "put it on the record."

I started to realize that I had taken for granted she knew what was going on behind the scenes. She didn't. She had never been to a court hearing before. She thought she was going for a conference and all of a sudden the case was settled. It was a good settlement, but she hadn't been brought up to speed on the fact that we came for a pre-trial, and resolved the entire case that morning. That was morph speed for her, because she is unfamiliar with the ways of lawyers and courts.

Upon reflection, it reminds me of when I talk to health insurance agents. They start talking about all the different options, plans, coverage, etc. and I phase out. I have no idea what they're talking about. Not because I'm dumb, but because I'm unfamiliar. (Ever tried speaking with a native speaker after taking Spanish 101?) I need them to slow down, put it in language I can understand, and repeat.

Being a communication major in undergraduate school, I'm a bit abashed that I didn't realize this obvious problem. I truly regret that I caused my client undue stress by making assumptions. Luckily, she was outspoken enough to let me know. In fact, the last thing she said was "Maybe that is something you need to remember with your next client." She is one hundred percent right, and I thank her for that. I am sure all future clients will, as well, since this is a lesson I won't forget.

Back in Action!

This morning I started the day with an early morning training session with my excellent personal trainer, Sheryl Blystone. After injuring my knee in fitness boot camp in mid July, I did no aerobic exercise for three weeks and got some chiropractic adjustments from Dr. Sharon Haver. She has a very effective way of adjusting that doesn't include jerking the body around (something that has always scared me.) I learned a lot from her about how every part of your body affects every other part, and why it is so important to maintain good posture at all times. She taught me that there is even a very specific way of getting into, and out of, a car, to maintain your spinal alignment.

Meanwhile, Sheryl and I worked around the knee to keep my muscle tone everywhere else. But it was a lonnnng three weeks. Finally, my knee recovered (yay!) without surgery, and I was ready to get back in the swing. Today, I was scheduled for fitness boot camp at 5:30 a.m., Sheryl at 8 a.m., then Muscle Fusion class tonight at 7 p.m. I decided to take it a bit slower than that, so I skipped the boot camp. I didn't want to overdo it and have a relapse. Those three weeks were tough for me. I couldn't even go dancing!

Fitness has been a regular part of my life ever since I was in law school. But I didn't realize how much I defined myself as someone who is fit and healthy until I was "laid off" for a few weeks. Boy, did that suck!

Nevertheless, it was a valuable experience for me. I learned, first-hand, how it feels to be limping around wincing in pain while everyone around me was breezing through life. After just a week of non-stop pain I found I was irritable, depressed, and out of sorts. I began to understand just how much courage and character it takes to be pleasant to others when you are hurting inside. I gained respect for people in this situation, and compassion for their plight.

There's an old saying that you can't understand someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. I did that when my knee was injured, and I was staring at the prospect of surgery, which would further delay my return to exercise for weeks or months. Although I can't say I enjoyed the experience, I am truly grateful for the chance to develop a greater understanding of people less fortunate than I.